1. Your Christmas tree: real or fake?
I would never allow an artificial tree to pass through my door.
Fake's the way to go: it's cleaner, safer, and cheaper.
I don't have a tree, but if I did it would be fake.

2. The snow on your windows: real or fake?
Who needs fake snow? There's already tons of the real stuff outside.
There's not a flake of snow outside, but my house looks like it's been hit by an arctic blizzard.
There's no snow either outside or on my windows.

3. Have you ever put fake antlers on your pet and told people that it's a reindeer?
Yes, and I also paint its nose red and insist it's named Rudolph.
I would never demean an animal in that way.
No, but I do have a herd of fake reindeer on my lawn.
I've never put fake antlers on an animal, but sometimes I wear them myself.
I don't need to put fake antlers on my pet, because I happen to own a real reindeer.

4. Do you try to make small gifts look more impressive by putting them in large boxes?
Yes, bigger is better. And at least the recipient will be excited for a while before they discover the pathetic truth.
No. People should be happy with what they get.

5. Do you tell little kids that Santa Claus is real even though you don't believe this yourself?
I conceal the truth from them because I don't want to break their little hearts.
I lay it on them straight: Santa's a fraud dreamed up by the advertising industry.
I bore them with a lecture about how the real Santa Claus was a 4th-century Turkish priest named Nicolas of Myra.
What, you mean Santa isn't real?

6. Have you ever dressed up in a bright red suit and pretended to be Santa Claus?
Yes, but only because I got paid to do so.
Yes, when I don my bright red finery I feel as if I'm the spirit of Christmas personified.
Only when I thought I was all alone.
You would never catch me dead in an outfit like that.

7. When you get gifts that you hate, do you pretend to love them?
Yes, because it's the polite thing to do. After all, it's the thought that counts.
No, because if you don't let people know how you feel, they'll keep giving you the same crap every year.

8. Have you ever lied to avoid giving to a charity during the holiday season?
Yeah, a quick lie is easier than explaining that I'm too tight-fisted to give anything.
No, I happily give to worthy charities.
I don't lie. I just tell the money-grubbers to get lost. They're not getting my cash!

9. Have you ever had to feign surprise when opening a present because you had already found it earlier while hunting for hidden gifts?
Yes, for me the thrill of the hunt is the best part of the holiday season.
No, because I never try to find my presents. It would only ruin the surprise.
I had to feign surprise, but only because I accidentally found one of my presents.

10. Have you ever claimed that Santa ate the milk and cookies left out for him, even though you scarfed them down yourself?
I admit it. I'm the Cookie Monster.
Yes, but I was only doing Santa a favor. The guy needs to lose some weight.
I am not, nor would I ever be, a cookie thief.
We don't put milk and cookies out in my house, but if we did I would be willing to lie to get them.

11. Have you ever made up phony excuses to get out of visiting relatives during the holiday season?
I'm not proud of it, but I have. Family togetherness isn't my strong suit.
Absolutely not. Visiting with family is the most important part of the holidays.
I never have, but only because my spouse/parents/significant other always drags me to see them.

12. Is the holiday season the only time of year you go to church, place religious icons around your house, and generally pretend to be religious?
Yes, because the winter holidays just wouldn't be the same without the quaint trappings of religion.
No. I'm a devout churchgoer throughout the year, and I resent all those johnny-come-latelys who only show up during the holidays for the fun stuff.
I don't bother with the religious stuff, because for me the holidays are all about the presents and the food.
Christmas and Hannukah are religious holidays? I never knew!