I've received a free copy of David Wilton's new book,
Word Myths: Debunking Linguistic Urban Legends, courtesy of Oxford University Press. So I'm having a contest to give it away. The book has just been published. I'm not sure it's even out in stores yet, but you can get a copy here... if you win the contest.
First, what's the book about? Wilton debunks all those stories about where words come from, such as 'is GOLF really an acronym for Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden?' or 'does SOS stand for Save Our Souls?' or 'was F**K originally an acronym meaning For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge?' You'll have to get the book to find out the answers. It's a lot of fun, and quite enlightening.
Here's what I've decided for the contest: urban legend haiku. I figure this is appropriate since it's a book about urban legends and language. Whoever comes up with the best haiku describing an urban legend (or a hoax, since this is the Museum of Hoaxes) wins the contest. What's 'best' will, of course, be subjectively decided by me.
If you need inspiration, examples of urban legend haiku can be found
here or
here. I'm not going to be a stickler about whether or not entries maintain proper haiku form (three lines: first line five syllables, second line seven syllables, third line five syllables), since apparently the idea that haiku must adhere strictly to this form is itself a bit of an urban legend. Keep it to three lines, but if the number of syllables isn't perfect, I don't care.
Here's my own rather weak attempt at a hoax haiku. It took me all of a minute to write:
Enclosed in glass,
Soon she'll be rectangular,
My Bonsai Kitten.
You'll have to do better than this to win the book.
The contest will end on Nov. 20, about a week from today (oh, and you can submit as many haiku as you like).
Update: And one more thing, submit your entries as comments. Don't email them to me directly.
Update: Okay, the contest is now closed. I need a day or two to review all the entries.
Comments
Stock value fickle:
Now worth only a nickel.
disappears from my back seat.
Oh no! She's a ghost.
Of undigested meat in the Duke
I believe it was forty
and the feared StunStrike Stun Gun
DUCK AND TAKE COVER
He is old, yet he can dance.
Who is this Mr. Six?
I go down the well.
I look to the distant sky.
Now I can see stars.
Buy a Bonsai Cat!
Chicken Head in Happy Meal!
Next time visit Snopes.
For Jimi, barbiturates overdose
And for Cass : Ham Sandwich
No Such Agency,
They Can't Let You Know The Truth.
Yet, Drink Boo Bee Juice.
Bush Wins Election,
Remote Control Hunting though,
suddenly sounds good.
Again Not Suprised,
Pop Star Not Performing Live,
Tickets Please? Hmm Dead.
man holding gigantic cat
skilled in photoshop
dangerous coin slot awaits
don't reach for the change
new friend from nigeria
send account info
an extinguished cigarette
badly burned rectum
1 Three words in the news
Hint at untold suffering:
Spaghetti crop fails
2 Legend
but now she has gone away.
So has my kidney.
Our lovely Peaches
sucked the life of the baby,
She wanted the milk.
(http://www.snopes.com/critters/wild/catsuck.htm)
Ashes to ashes,
this cocoa mix is no good.
Oops, we ate grandpa.
(http://www.snopes.com/horrors/cannibal/cremains.htm)
shivers in my living room
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
dreaded spaghetti weevil
make dinner yummy.
do not milk the Jackalope.
Lure him with whiskey.
"Homeless are Americans,
too, so give them guns!"
Hidden away denied all
Five and One forgot
Russian girlfriends for to love
Dissapointment bitter
No return Alex Boese
Hail replicant Alex
Close walls now are second home
Need Dr Pepper
Borer caterpillar worm
No problem - now use Coke
hang on - photographs reveal
anal toothbrush fun
Dream of future proleptics
Meta-treason, no?
Only because they believed
No smoking in cars
Living in San Diego
He's losing his hair
It itches like crazy. Eek!
Spiderlings hatching!
Back from our Mexican tour.
He loves cheese; fears cats.
in dark living room. Surprise!
Big birthday party!
I've ever chewed and swallowed
Is still inside me.
Faster than cold water does.
Simple, isn't it?
big black man with dog says, "Sit!"
So everyone does.
beehive hairdo in town, 'til
spiders ate my brain.
Living the High Life with Bev
Happy Forever
gets revenge on wife's amour.
For sale: new Jaguar.
is heavy load, suddenly
transformed into ham.
tours around the USA,
then goes home with thief.
Oh what pain what agony
giving lobsters birth
Won't you please feed my dog now?
No, no! Not to me!
Some of my haiku efforts
In no set order:
Spectres for auction
Proliferate on eBay
For your ghostly needs
Hi! Microsoft is
Tracking this missive. Send on,
and wait for hand-outs.
Cryptic predictions
enshrined in his poetry
Hail, Nostradamus
My arm is itchy...
Heavens forfend! The spider
Bites with Novocaine
Armstrong stuns the world
From earthbound studio. That
will show the Russians
Zionist penis melters.
Damn that robot comb!
But then she saw the message:
"People can lick, too."
White porcelain resting place
My kidneys are gone.
Choking on human fingers
Where did they come from?
Alex's jackalope is
really a jackdeer.
My dog gasps for air
Choking on human fingers
Whose hand are they from?
Hoist boulders on fingertips.
What are they eating?
Twins alone at home
filled rooms with junk and clutter
Died of Poverty