The Museum of Hoaxes
hoax archive hoax archive hoax archive hoax archive hoax archive
 
The Case of the Microwaved Penis
Status: hoax
The following incident caught my attention because it occurred in McKeesport, which is right outside of Pittsburgh. This is where my mother grew up. My grandfather used to be mayor of a small suburb of McKeesport called Liberty Borough. I visited it often growing up. McKeesport is also where Andy Warhol grew up. Sadly, the city has gone way, way downhill ever since the steel mills closed, as evidenced by this incident:

Police in McKeesport said a woman who needed to pass a work-related drug test was the reason behind a fake penis being microwaved at a convenience store. A clerk at the Giant Eagle Get-Go store along Lyle Boulevard told police that a man brought what appeared to be a severed penis into the store and asked her to microwave it Thursday night. But police said the item was actually a fake, hollow penis that a woman planned to use to pass a drug test. McKeesport Police Chief Joseph Pero said the woman's male companion had filled the device with his urine, which the woman somehow planned to pass off as hers for a drug test. The couple stopped at the convenience store to have the device microwaved because the woman wanted the device to be warmed up to something approaching body temperature -- as part of the drug-testing ruse. Police said they plan to charge the man and woman criminally, although the exact charges haven't been determined.

My main question is this: Why did the woman need a fake penis in order to pass a drug test? Does that make any sense at all?

Update: It's been pointed out to me that the news report misspelled the name of the road. It's Lysle Boulevard, not 'Lyle' Boulevard.
Body Manipulation
Posted by The Curator on Fri Feb 24, 2006 Comments (20)
This story just doesn't make sense to me ... maybe I just havent experieced enough drug testing in my life or something.
Posted by Dracul  on  Fri Feb 24, 2006  at  09:51 PM
Ditto. Although one imagines the last place your average workplace drug-tester is going to search someone trying to cheat on a urine test is where a woman might conceivably hide a fake penis...
Posted by Nightbringer  in  Perth, Western Australia  on  Fri Feb 24, 2006  at  10:53 PM
I've actually heard of a fake-penis fake-pee drug-test-beating device before.... but really, I can't imagine how a WOMAN could see the benifit of using such a thing.
Posted by katey  on  Fri Feb 24, 2006  at  11:12 PM
where the hell do you get a fake penis? does it look and feel real? why couldn't they heat it up at home?

god, anymore questions this can rival Lost. NOT.
Posted by Tom  on  Sat Feb 25, 2006  at  03:46 AM
...wow, this makes my brain on fire.
Posted by Zoe  on  Sat Feb 25, 2006  at  04:06 AM
Maybe we need a picture of this woman, perhaps she was applying for a job as a man. If she wanted to conceal it within her own sex organ why not just fill up a condom? But there is the more likely reason she did this, which is she is an absolute idiot.
Posted by Lonewatchman  on  Sat Feb 25, 2006  at  07:24 AM
I guess she was a drug addict.

There was a famous argentinian soccer player
who had one and it's now in a museum somewhere
Posted by Sharruma  in  capable of finishing a coherent  on  Sat Feb 25, 2006  at  12:58 PM
She could have just 'hidden' the fake penis to get it to her body temp and uncorked it without completely removing it to discharge the urine.
Posted by Craig  on  Sat Feb 25, 2006  at  02:45 PM
"I guess she was a drug addict."

Really? What makes you think so?
Posted by Big Gary on a biology expedition  in  Dallas, Texas, USA  on  Sat Feb 25, 2006  at  05:31 PM
They don't call nme sherlock for nothing smile



Actually they don't call me sherlock at all, but thats another story smile
Posted by Sharruma  in  capable of finishing a coherent  on  Sat Feb 25, 2006  at  09:28 PM
When I used to live out there in Riverside, California (I moved out here around the summer of '96) I worked for a company that required pre-employment drug screening, and when I was in the Navy they did an extensive amount of drug screening. At that period of time, the big thing was mail order urine samples guaranteed clean. One of the things that made this stand out in my mind, was that when I was in the Navy, if you were required to submit a sample, the person taking the sample was required to observe, thus this mail order company offered samples in a penis shaped package that you would safety pin to your underwear...

Two things come to mind, and the first is that maybe this woman ordered one of these urine samples, and the second is, if so, why not just slip the sample under her arm for a minute to warm it up???
Posted by Christopher in Joplin, Missouri  in  joplin, Mo  on  Sun Feb 26, 2006  at  08:56 AM
Maybe she was going to tell the drug testers she was a hermaphrodite.
Posted by Reynard Muldrake  on  Mon Feb 27, 2006  at  12:03 AM
as a recreational marijuana user, i know two people who have used a fake penis in a drug test for special circumstances in which a person of authority, such as a probation officer, is required to watch you fill the cup. in both instances the attempts have failed, but regardless of the validity of the fake penis, no woman would have a use for it. and does she just not know any druggie friends with a microwave she could use?
Posted by jake b.  in  crenson, sc  on  Mon Feb 27, 2006  at  04:15 AM
Not sure what version you heard but a man went into a local store and asked the clerk to warm up - in the microwave - what appears to be a severed male body part.
A man walked in and asked a female clerk if she (the clerk)could use the microwave to heat something up.
The clerk smelled unusual odor from the oven, the clerk opened the microwave to check on the wrapped item and out tumbled what appeared to be a severed human penis, wrapped up in the paper towel.
The guy flew out of the store and left the item behind. The clerk called police
Posted by Pat  in  McKeesport, PA  on  Mon Feb 27, 2006  at  08:25 PM
Is it NOT obvious how a woman can use a urine-filled plastic-penis as the one and only device possible to pass a drug-test!? I suppose she wanted to put the thing (with the drug-free urine of her friend inside) up her vagina and press the urine somehow out of that plastic device. Why did she microwave it? Becuause she somehow wanted to warm it up because it would not have been comfortable to have a cold plastic penis stuck up her vagina. It s admittedly really stupid to try to do that in a microwaver.
Posted by aeiou11235  on  Sat Mar 04, 2006  at  01:51 AM
...she could have let it rest in a cup of hot water. That's how you heat up mascara & baby bottles.
Posted by Maegan  in  Tampa, FL - USA  on  Sun Mar 05, 2006  at  12:37 PM
yo i live like two blocks from where this happened i was standing out in front of the getgo when it happened trying to get money to buy cigs and the dude walked in first he drove the car up she got in second about 10 minutes go by and i hear a scream and see them runnin so my natural instinct is someone got shot and to drop and roll under a car so i did and stayed there till the cops came
Posted by Roach  in  Mckeesport  on  Thu Nov 09, 2006  at  03:09 PM
i dont get why she would do that... i put my penis in the fridge to keep it cold. i only microwave my butt.. smile
Posted by terry galindo  in  north york  on  Sun Feb 11, 2007  at  01:58 PM
definatly....she was a drug addict..
Posted by Vigrx  in  us  on  Thu Aug 09, 2007  at  07:27 AM
Haha, what a funny story smile how crazy people can be!
Posted by Mathew  in  USA  on  Thu Jun 12, 2008  at  08:52 AM
Commenting is not available in this channel entry.
All text Copyright © 2014 by Alex Boese, except where otherwise indicated. All rights reserved.