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Oregon townfolk see penises everywhere
My wife says this isn't a hoax so she doesn't think it belongs on MoH. She may be right, but it's just so damn wacky, I felt I should share it with you all.

The city of Keizer, Oregon, a suburb of Oregon's capital, Salem, spent $20,000 to install some run-of-the-mill concrete pillars, designed to keep cars from killing pedestrians should drivers lose control and veer onto the sidewalk. So far, so good.

The trouble started when some unspecified people decided that the pillars looked too much like erect penises. I'll give you a moment to ponder that last sentence.

They want them removed or altered. The city is actually considering this, at additional expense to taxpayers, of course.

I'm thinking I can justify posting this to MoH by utilizing the "Mass Delusion" category, a MoH staple.

Giant penii invade Oregon town

Can you stand more about this subject?

More on the giant penii of Keizer

Categories: Mass Delusion
Posted by Cranky Media Guy on Fri Jul 06, 2007
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Posted by Freudian  on  Fri Jul 06, 2007  at  11:15 PM
I'd go with Freudian on this. They don't overtly resemble penises. Plus if they are saving lives on busy intersections then it really would be a complete waste of money to replace them.
Posted by Peter  in  Melbourne, Australia  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  01:47 AM
I think they look like R2D2, personally.
Posted by fuzzfoot  in  potland, oregon  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  03:43 AM
Peter said:

"Plus if they are saving lives on busy intersections then it really would be a complete waste of money to replace them."

According to the local news, the current plan is to either alter them so the local penis-obsessed aren't offended by them or replace them with less phallic-looking posts.
Posted by Cranky Media Guy  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  04:03 AM
Cranky Media Guy said:

"According to the local news, the current plan is to either alter them so the local penis-obsessed aren't offended by them or replace them with less phallic-looking posts."

Yes, and if they do replace them the article says they will have wasted $20,000.
Posted by Peter  in  Melbourne, Australia  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  06:01 AM
Your wife was right; this isn't a "hoax" story, but everybody likes a large concrete penis story, just for the penis pluralization (as in "The Elvii showed their penii") if nothing else. No Pompei-style penii here, folks. Move on, go about your busineii
Posted by Hairy Houdini  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  10:50 AM
These up-tight people in that town need to go back to sex education, or at least look at a wanker... I never even imagined they looked like a dick when I viewed the pic (hey, that rhymes). I think if the people that are complaining want them changed, tell them to get out THEIR checkbook!
Posted by Christopher  in  Joplin, Missouri  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  11:28 AM
Come on, we've had pillars like that in D.C. for years. A cigar indeed.
Posted by luckygerbils  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  12:27 PM
Just keep these folks away from farms and grain silos!!
Posted by StevenRowe  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  12:58 PM
Oh jeez-louise.

We have these things all over the cities here. I never once even thought to consider it looked like a penis.

Now, I have seen some smaller ones, that are a concrete pillar, surrounded by plastic, and then given a plastic cap - the place there the plastic pole meets the cap, has a large plastic band around it to hold them together. THOSE look more like penii. But not even by that much.

These people are nuts. (heh.)
Posted by Maegan  in  Tampa, FL - USA  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  01:45 PM
Sounds to me like there are a lot of frustrated people in that town.

Actually, the hoax isn't the pillars, but the claim that they look like penii.
Posted by Christopher Cole  in  Tucson, AZ  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  02:00 PM
What the townspeople really ought to do is make up a lot of photos of the pillars, put them on postcards, T-shirts, refrigerator magnets, etc. and sell them on the Web. Perhaps a contest for a caption or slogan should be included. The money earned would first go to replacing the pillars, with luck leaving a useful surplus. This shouldn't be seen as an embarrassment but as an opportunity.
Posted by Phred22  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  02:34 PM
Two questions:
1. Don't more or less all concrete pillars look a little like penises/penii?
2. What's wrong with that?

Too bad I don't live near Keizer, Oregon, or I'd get a can of flesh-colored paint and make them REALLY look like ...
Posted by Big Gary  in  Pharr, Texas  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  03:04 PM
oops, looks like some community members think that erecting these pilars may prove to be a fallacy.
Posted by Penis Power  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  03:05 PM
Then, of course, for AIDS Awareness Day, you could get some white trash bags and put condoms on all of 'em.
Posted by Big Gary  in  Gun Barrel City, Texas  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  03:06 PM
If not concrete, than perhaps: marble ("are those veins"?), or brass ("our knobs need polishing"), wood (no elucidation necessary), and my favorite, moss-encrusted, vine-covered Cast Iron, somewhat rusty, but still in service now and then. I'd also like to see some topiary pubery ("We Want: A Shrubbery"), neatly trimmed, thank you
Posted by Hairy Houdini  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  04:11 PM
The money it would cost to alter those pillars could be better spent on psychiatrist for those complaining, to help them get rid of their sexual obsession.
Posted by LaMa  in  Europe  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  07:23 PM
Maybe those doing the complaining are related to the Cardiff Giant, who is missing a penis according to rumor.
Posted by Christopher Cole  in  Tucson, AZ  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  07:45 PM
Any pillar object looks like a penis. Nelson's Column looks like a cock if yo look at it like a guy balancing a one-eyed admiral on the end of his one-eyed admiral.


If I lived remotely near that town I'g go over in the middle of the night and cement balls to the base. And stick big, massive condoms over the top if it's raining.
Posted by Renquist  in  Glasgow, Scotland  on  Sat Jul 07, 2007  at  11:53 PM
Oh puh-lease! It reminds me of a fuss a few years ago here in NZ when some people claimed that Coke bottles (yes, Coca-Cola bottles) resembled penii.
Posted by Dale Irwin  in  Waiheke Island, New Zealand  on  Sun Jul 08, 2007  at  02:07 AM
Christopher said:

"I think if the people that are complaining want them changed, tell them to get out THEIR checkbook!"

Exactly the solution my wife came up with. You maniacs pony up the $20k and we'll THINK about replacing the pillars.

LaMa said:

"The money it would cost to alter those pillars could be better spent on psychiatrist for those complaining, to help them get rid of their sexual obsession."

Yes, these people are in need of some counseling. I'm sure they can't understand why everyone else in town is willing to allow these giant penii on their street corners.

I hope these people don't happen to catch the units sported by some of the horses at the State Fair coming up next month one town over from Keizer. Their skulls will spontaneously combust.
Posted by Cranky Media Guy  on  Sun Jul 08, 2007  at  03:40 AM
Then they would go nuts when they visit Amsterdam (the Netherlands) and see our WW-2 monument in front of the royal palace...
Posted by Unfairly Balanced  in  Earth  on  Sun Jul 08, 2007  at  04:20 AM
What a bunch of dickheads
Posted by MangaBottle  on  Sun Jul 08, 2007  at  10:17 AM
Beasjt, your monument does seem awfully excited about something or other.
Posted by Big gary  in  Gun Barrel City, Texas  on  Sun Jul 08, 2007  at  04:00 PM
Uh, I think you all missed the biggest point. If people in that town think those columns are penile simulacrums, then the money should be best spent on fixing all the males in that town, as they all obviously suffer from the same male sex organ deformity. Probably genetic. But then again, maybe that deep indentation near the glans actually has a more frictive sensation on a woman's g-spot and.... hmmmmmmm.... naw. Couldn't be. How far is this place from Roswell NM?????
Posted by OriginalSim  on  Mon Jul 09, 2007  at  02:38 PM
All shapes & sizes available HERE:

http://www.dotyconcrete.com/bollards.html
Posted by shuke  on  Thu Jul 12, 2007  at  05:34 PM
TB1342 is my personal favorite phallus. I would especially put those near churches and daycare centers. wink
Posted by Charybdis  in  Hell  on  Thu Jul 12, 2007  at  05:53 PM
Now that I cogitate on it, "The Giant Penii of Keizer" would make a great name for a sci-fi novel, wouldn't it?
Posted by Cranky Media Guy  on  Fri Jul 13, 2007  at  05:06 AM
It's also cool that the correct name for these thingies apparently is "bollards."

Shuke's link gives me an image of some traffic-control bureaucrat writing out a purchase order for "2 dozen bollards."
Posted by Big Gary  in  Tool, Texas  on  Sun Jul 15, 2007  at  11:42 PM
I've seen dozens of pillars (or 'bollards' as they're called in my country, home of the double entendre) all over Britan, and not once have I ever thought they resembled a penis. Now, of course, that's all I'll be able to think of when I see them.
Posted by Nona  in  London  on  Mon Jul 16, 2007  at  10:07 AM
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