The Museum of Hoaxes
hoax archive hoax archive hoax archive hoax archive hoax archive
 
The Man-Eating Tree of Madagascar Hoax, 1874
Loch Ness Monster Hoaxes
Bizarre pictographs of Emmanuel Domenech, 1860
The Instant Color TV Hoax, 1962
Sober Sue, the woman who never smiled, 1907
war of the worlds
The night Martians invaded New Jersey, 1938
'Solar Armor' freezes man in Nevada Desert, 1874
The Cradle of the Deep, a literary hoax, 1929
Man flies by own lung power, 1934
Female thieves hide money in their bras, 1950
Hunting Nessie
Dan Taylor of South Carolina has built a submarine which he plans to launch in Loch Ness this spring, hoping to find Nessie and collect tissue samples from her, for scientific analysis. The media, of course, are loving this, first playing up the eccentric enthusiast angle, and now playing up the Nessie-fans-outraged-by-the-thought-of-someone-harpooning-the-monster angle. But if you watch the video broadcast that accompanies this article, you realize that it's not so much the idea of somebody harpooning poor Nessie that worries local residents of Loch Ness. It's the idea of some guy at large in the Loch with a harpoon-equipped submarine that concerns them. What if he harpoons a swimming tourist by accident, they point out. The media also love pointing out, with a sly wink, that hunting Nessie is illegal because she's protected under the Wildlife and Countryside Act, which is true enough. If someone ever does find her, they can't kill her.
Categories: Cryptozoology
Posted by The Curator on Wed Jan 26, 2005
Comments (28)
It DOES seem like a bad idea to let overeager people who believe they can find sea monsters that nobody else sees go around shooting harpoons out of submarines. Especially when you consider that Loch Ness is famous for having poor visibility most of the time.
Posted by Big Gary C  in  Dallas, Texas  on  Wed Jan 26, 2005  at  08:22 PM
I like the photo caption on that news story that identifies Nessie's home as "Loch Ness Lake in northern Scotland." Loch Ness Lake is probably nowhere near the Rio Grande River or Mount Shasta Mountain.
Posted by Big Gary C  in  Dallas, Texas  on  Wed Jan 26, 2005  at  08:26 PM
He's built a submarine in the States, and will be shipping it to Scotland? I hope he's independently wealthy.
Posted by cvirtue  on  Wed Jan 26, 2005  at  09:14 PM
I saw a story about this guy on some news magazine show a while ago. He apparently does have a lot of money b/c he has spent over a million dollars on this sub. I can't remember the exact cost, but I remember thinking OMG, this guy is insane, what if there's nothing there? I think he's a bit obsessed. I'm kinda glad he's doing it though. Maybe we'll find out once and for all if there's anything down there.
What do you think? Is Nessie real? Alex, didn't you go there? Did you see or "feel" anything? gulp
Posted by Glamcat  on  Wed Jan 26, 2005  at  10:48 PM
I think most people know by now that Nessie is a magical creature, mostly spirit, who phases between dimensions, which is why she can't be found--she's usually in the spirit world. It's in the handbook that came with my tin hat.

Hey, if the guy can't find Nessie, so what? He still has his own little wicked-cool mini-sub. Who wouldn't want their own mini-sub? I'd build an underground dock like I was Bruce Wayne on the side of my sprawling estate and take party guests for sub cruises on my lake, wouldn't you?
Posted by Barghest  on  Wed Jan 26, 2005  at  11:50 PM
Barghest said:

"I think most people know by now that Nessie is a magical creature, mostly spirit, who phases between dimensions, which is why she can't be found--she's usually in the spirit world. It's in the handbook that came with my tin hat."

No, silly. Nessie is a Canadian who invented an incredibly cumbersome bear-proof suit which ABSOLUTELY PROVES beyond a shadow of a doubt that she also invented a machine that allows you to see through solid objects. Hey, you can't absolutely prove that she ISN'T, right? Well, there you go!
Posted by Cranky Media Guy  on  Thu Jan 27, 2005  at  05:30 AM
why not depthcharge the place? I
Posted by Beasjt  in  sPAIN  on  Thu Jan 27, 2005  at  05:45 AM
He's onto a loser. His harpoon launcher will be a tad outgunned -as the Sunday Sport proved may years ago, the Loch Ness Monster is a Nazi U-Boat.
Posted by paul in prague  on  Thu Jan 27, 2005  at  05:51 AM
Surely there must be a source for non-custom made mini subs out there which wouldn't cost as much. A kit, even.
Posted by cvirtue  in  deleted  on  Thu Jan 27, 2005  at  07:39 AM
Glamcat, you said..." Maybe we'll find out once and for all if there's anything down there.
"
Do you really think that his finding nothing in the lake will prove that the monster doesn't exist? I know of at least two other times that submarine-equipped "scientists" have explored the lake looking for Nessie and come up with a fat ZERO. Yet people persist in believing that there's something there. No one can ever prove to the true believers satisfaction that there is no Nessie.
Posted by JoeSixpack  on  Thu Jan 27, 2005  at  12:00 PM
I meant, wouldn't it be neat if he actually found something? I'm quite sure he will come up with nothing, but still, it would be cool if he managed to find some definitive proof of Nessie. Of course, if Nessie doesn't want to be found, she won't be.
Posted by Glamcat  on  Thu Jan 27, 2005  at  02:41 PM
Yeah, I've always wanted my own mini-sub (especially since seeing The Yellow Submarine as a child). If I ever live close to any water, I'm definitely going to shop for one.
It can't be as easy to build a mini-sub as you night think, though, or they would be in mass production somewhere.
Posted by Big Gary C  in  Dallas, Texas  on  Thu Jan 27, 2005  at  08:11 PM
Er, make that "as you might think"...
Posted by Big Gary C  in  Dallas, Texas  on  Thu Jan 27, 2005  at  08:13 PM
Well, I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who's always wanted my own mini-sub. It just seems like it would be so cool. Really not the kind of thing you'd want to build in your garage on the weekends and then have to stake your life on it working properly, though.

>>>as the Sunday Sport proved may years ago, the Loch Ness Monster is a Nazi U-Boat.<<<

Wouldn't it be great if he fired on Nessie, and she *returned fire*? Ha!

>>>Do you really think that his finding nothing in the lake will prove that the monster doesn't exist?<<<

For the sake of the tourist-dependant economies of the nearby towns, I hope not. After all, can you imagine anyone spending a week on a freezing, gloomy, god-forsaken northern Scottish lakeside if there weren't a chance of seeing a monster?
Posted by Barghest  on  Fri Jan 28, 2005  at  02:20 AM
... who in hell swims in the loch ness ? It's minus 15
Posted by Akashka  on  Fri Jan 28, 2005  at  08:25 AM
Hey, he could make a lot of money charging tourists and Nessie seekers for a submarine tour of the lake! Even if they don't see anything wouldn't that be fun? I would go. I wonder how many people he can fit in there.
Posted by Glamcat  on  Fri Jan 28, 2005  at  08:26 AM
I've always had a warm spot in my heart for Nessie. I've watched all the shows and read all the articles I could on hte subject. Loch Ness is a small lake (BTW it isn't Loch Ness Lake) full of sediment and little aquatic life. I can't see how any creature the size that Nessie is supposed to be can survive. However, several years ago someone tried putting an underwater camera with a sonar trigger in the Loch and captured what appeared to be a large flipper. I forget the dimensions that the flipper was supposed to be, but it wasn't small enough to be a seal or sea lion or similar sized creature. If this guy does spear Nessie, the Bobbies will get him. As mentioned earlier that's a crime, even if Nessie does not exist you can't harm her/him.
Posted by Christopher Cole  in  Tucson, AZ  on  Sat Jan 29, 2005  at  04:32 PM
Loch Ness is not a small lake. It isn't very wide, but it's deep and it's very long from end to end. But, as Paul says, the water is generally so turgid (murky) that you wouldn't be able to see much in it.
Posted by Big Gary C  in  Dallas, Texas  on  Sat Jan 29, 2005  at  05:05 PM
Big Gary C: I checked out the word "turgid" in the dictionary. It means "swollen and distended". This translates to one of three things about your post: A)You think that the waters of Loch Ness are swollen and distended... B) You are swollen and distended, hence the adjective "Big" in Big Gary C... C) You're messin with us. I can't even fathom (pun) the possibility that you used the word without knowing its meaning. That would be so contraindicative.
Posted by Hairy Houdini  on  Sat Jan 29, 2005  at  05:40 PM
Nah, I just type recklessly. I was trying to write "turbid."

What do you mean, "contraindicative"? Of what?
Posted by Big Gary C  in  Dallas, Texas  on  Sat Jan 29, 2005  at  07:05 PM
I'm sorry. I misspelled that. The correct spelling is diatomaceous. Mistakes were made.
Posted by Hairy Houdini  on  Sat Jan 29, 2005  at  07:22 PM
Oh my goodness! Please don't shoot an innocent animal with a harpoon! You will ruin Scottish history and a legend forever! Nessie hasn't done anything to hurt anyone! In my opinion, she is a calm loch creature that we have not yet researched enough to know what it is! Please. Don't shoot memories, legends, and an innocent animal into heaven! He/she has done NOTHING! Let an animal live in peace!
Posted by Ohno!  on  Tue Jan 10, 2006  at  08:00 PM
This guy should have spent more than he did and consulted a lawyer specializing in British law. The British Parliment outlawed hurting Nessie decades ago. Before WW II I think it was.
Posted by Christopher Cole  in  Tucson, AZ  on  Wed Jan 11, 2006  at  01:52 PM
More beaurocratic waste seeing as Neesie is just a myth and nothing more.

Nessie has never done anything to anyone because she doesn't exist, geeze. oh oh
Posted by Charybdis  in  Hell  on  Wed Jan 11, 2006  at  01:55 PM
Oh, I saw on BBC Scotland News the other day that if Nessie did exist, and was found, she'd be counted under the Scottish Animal Protection Act, or a similar act, anyway.
Posted by Boo  in  The Land of the Haggii...  on  Wed Jan 11, 2006  at  02:25 PM
ohh i saw nessie i give a ham sandwich everyday i see him my house is right on the lake he is my friend its not a girl like everyone thinks but he is very nice! he is a purple'ish color and he doesnt like the name "nessie" he said its girlie he likes humphrey he is the coolest thing ever! i love him no one knows about him except my friend eliza and she couldnt beleive it! ill never tell a soul or catch him on tape that would be awful! i love him i dont care if anyone doesnt beleive me! goodbye!
Posted by HAYLEE  in  SCOTLAND  on  Tue Apr 11, 2006  at  10:33 PM
Can you guys please send me some information on Nessie for me? I'm doing a report on her, and can't seem to find anything.

Thanks,
Matt
Posted by Matthew Perry  in  Laingsburg, Michigan  on  Thu Apr 13, 2006  at  09:36 AM
nessie dont esist i would no, she jus a tory some 2 year old made up
Posted by bill  on  Wed Apr 26, 2006  at  12:28 PM
Commenting is no longer available for this post.
All text Copyright © 2014 by Alex Boese, except where otherwise indicated. All rights reserved.