silver caliber magnum - 30 December 2008 12:58 PM
Santa has been resisting arrest for ages…
1) Animal Abuse
Would net let or have his pet reindeer rudolph undergo surgery or treatment for his infected red nose.
2) Breaking and entering
Numerous accounts over the world of him entering houses and then leaving
3) Robbery
After breaking in he often eats and drinks milk and cookies inside
4) Sexual harrasment
As explained by the song “I saw mommy kissing santa claus”
5) Murder
As explained when grandma was run over by reindeer
6) Copy right infringement
Numerous pirated products
My client Mr Clause has asked me to defend his against these spurius lies that have been said about him.
1. He has not now nor ever owned a reindeer by the name of rudolph. He own eight reindeer by the names of Donner, Blitzen, Cupid, Vixen, Comet, Dasher, Dancer and Prancer. See not one of them is called Rudolph. Rudolph is the invention of a song writer and not one of the real reindeer. If anyone is liable here I suggest you take it up with the song writer. Also note that Mr Clause looks after the reindeer he does have well and all rumours concerning his connection to the venison sandwich shop that has recently opened at the north pole are lies.
2. Breaking and entering? Show me the evidence. Show me the fingerprints, Where’s your video footage, your DNA evidence. I know you have none because there is none. Milord, I suggest this charge be struck from the record.
3. Again, where’s the evidence. If, as I have proved Mr Clause does not invade people’s homes, then how can he steal these items?
I move that the items in question could have been eaten by anyone and again request that this charge be struck from the record.
4. My learned council for the prosecution puts it so well. ‘I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause.’ Milord. Gentlepersons of the jury I move that my client Mr Clause is actually the victim in this case. There he was minding his own business asking little children what they want for christmas at the local supermarket when a strange women approached and molested him. There really is no charge here to answer.
5. Murder? Just because Santa happens to drive a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer and just because grandma was found with the hoof prints of eight different reindeer as well as the sled imprints that match the ones on Santa’s sleigh doesn’t mean he was the culprit. There must’ve been dozen of sleighs matching that description in that part of the city alone. Where is the evidence that my client is the man responsible? Where’s the camera footage, CCTV cameras are everywhere these days so show me the event. Bring forth the eye witnesses to testify. And I must furthermore ask, what was this little old lady doing on a rooftop just after midnight on the 25th anyway?
6. Copy right infringement? Oh please. My client Mr clause holds the copyright on all the toys produced in his own toy shops. Furthermore I will produce, in this court, receipts for all the items that my client went out to buy for the children that wanted something a little special. Honestly my client is such an honest philanthropist that it makes me sad anyone would even consider him capable of some of the crimes listed here. I mean seriously this guy is as honest as the day is long. He asks for nothing in return for his selfless gestures and here he is in this court room being maligned. I ask for all charges to be dropped and furthermore that the prosecuting council be given coal in their stockings for even considering such ridiculous charges.
