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Metaphors from NSW Year 12 English Essays
Posted: 16 September 2008 10:28 AM   [ Ignore ]
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Most likely not from this source but friggin funny anyway.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had it’s two sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

2. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of the boxes with a pinhole in it.

3. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli and he was room temperature prime beef.

4. She has a deep, throaty, genuine laugh like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

5. Her vocabulary was as bad as like, whatever.

6. He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

7. The revelation that his marriage of thirty years had disintegrated due to his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formally surcharge free ATM.

8. The litte boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

9. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a shopping bag full of vegetable soup.

10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality like you’re on holiday in another city and Sex in the City comes on at 9pm instead of 9:30om.

11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

12. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

13. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

14. Even in his last years Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

15. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan might just work.

16. The young fighter had a hungry look, like kind you get from not eating for a while.

17. “Oh Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

18. He was a lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

19. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, like a rubbish truck backing up.

21. She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

22. She walked into my office like a centipede missing 98 legs.

23. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

LOL The duck one if my fave!

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The Middleman: (drinking milk) You know, that was some darn fine cow squirt.

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Posted: 16 September 2008 12:57 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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Nettie - 16 September 2008 02:28 PM

8. The litte boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

Obviously a Douglas Adams fan

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Posted: 16 September 2008 04:28 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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First of all, why is Nettie using (a single-frame version of) WaveofMutilation’s avatar?  Trying to confuse us? wink

Nettie - 16 September 2008 02:28 PM

13. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

This one reminded me of, well, just about every line from The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.  Which I just watched again the other night.  Just like another movie I watched again the other night.

And if you’ve never seen it, make plans.  It is hilariously funny. smile

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Attention to detail: An apostrophe is the difference between a company that knows its shit and a company that knows it’s shit.

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Posted: 16 September 2008 04:52 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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I’m sure I read at least part of this list in a Reader’s Dgest recently, attributed to a different source.

19. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

LOL

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The platypus is mother nature’s way of saying, “I made this thing out of spare parts I found on the workshop floor, and it can still ****ing cripple you.”

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Posted: 16 September 2008 08:44 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
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Tah, back in the old old forum my av was a dancing Hobbes and WoM had the single frame one. He was saying he could never get the dancing Hobbes to work so I sent him the file and changed my av so he could use the dancing one. I’m not too sure but for some reason the other day Hobbes came up in conversation on OTCC and I thought I’d go back to the one I had waaaaaay back. But of course Gravatar didn’t like the dancing bit…I’ll probably end up changing it back to one of my other ones.

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The Middleman: (drinking milk) You know, that was some darn fine cow squirt.

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Posted: 16 September 2008 08:46 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
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Nettie - 17 September 2008 12:44 AM

But of course Gravatar didn’t like the dancing bit…I’ll probably end up changing it back to one of my other ones.

Or you could just mail us lots of brandy, and that way the image will start dancing for us. . .

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“If any man wish to write in a clear style, let him be first clear in his thoughts.”

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Posted: 17 September 2008 06:33 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
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Snopes picked this up today, too.  Apparently they’re entries from a competition.  Still funny, though!

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Posted: 05 August 2010 03:23 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]
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I heard some of these on Car Talk.

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