Heed my words, for I have discovered the TRUTH!
This very day I had my God-given tea drinking rights infringed upon, and as a consequence I have been made aware of a most dire and diabolical conspiracy: the evil anti-tea plot!
This afternoon Obama’s hired thugs terrorised and tormented me as I was innocently sipping a cup of tea. What reason, you may ask, would Obama have for being against tea drinking? Well, let me tell you!
It’s all an Illuminati plot! The Illuminati have always been against tea, due to its healing and calming properties blocking their nefarious mind control techniques! It’s obvious when you think about it. Simply rearrange the letters in “Illuminati”, and you discover their secret agenda: “At Ilium nil”! Isn’t that perfectly clear? Ilium is, of course, an old name for the city of Troy in what is now Turkey. And what is Turkey well known for? Coffee, of course! For centuries, Turkey was the focal point through which most of Europe’s coffee supply was funneled. And as everybody knows, coffee and tea have long been rivals in the world of hot beverages. And so we see that the Illuminati are attempting to eliminate all tea in Turkey, thus the amount of tea in Turkey (“Ilium”) will be zero (“nil”). And once Turkey is entirely under the evil influence of coffee as opposed to the benevolent effects of tea, then the Illuminati can go on with their fiendish plot!
For Turkey is crucial to their plots. You can tell this from the way that the Illuminati have been subtly conditioning Western minds with pro-Turkish propaganda. Take, for example, the American holiday of Thanksgiving. What is one of the most traditional and well-known foods consumed during that holiday? Turkey! Americans are being brainwashed into giving thanks for Turkey! And just how many other nations aside from the Ottoman Empire has had a common item of furniture named in its honour so that its influence can infiltrate millions of unsuspecting households? The TRUTH is obvious!
After all, it’s clear that the Ottomans have long been a tool of the Illuminati in their anti-tea campaign. It’s a historical fact! Less than a century after the founding of Islam, Muslim armies were ravaging India. And what is India? One of the world’s leading producers of tea! And what were the Ottomans? An Islamic nation! And here’s the real clincher: Obama’s father was raised a Muslim! See how it all falls together?
And remember all those news reports of bee populations being wiped out? Well, that’s yet another tentacle of the all-devouring squid that is the Illuminati in a metaphorical sense! All these years, people have been assuming that chem-trails were directed against people. But now we see the TRUTH! The Illuminati have been spraying the bees, to deprive us all of honey to add to our tea!
So stand up for your rights! Battle for good and purity! Defy the Illuminati! Scorn the hellish soul-flaying evil abomination that is coffee! With every sip of it that you consume, the malevolent Illuminati overlords mock you! Save yourself, your planet, and all future generations by drinking wholesome tea instead!
And to all you Americans who are going to vote in the upcoming election, remember: every vote for Obama is a vote against tea! That’s right! Don’t fall into the cunning trap of the Illuminati! This November, be sure to vote for freedom, democracy, justice, outrageous manly jewelry, and the American Way! Vote for Mr. T!