A drunk walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, “I wanna buy everyone in here a shot of whiskey - and include one for yourself, my good man.”
The bartender pours shots for everyone, says, “hey, thanks, pal,” and downs his shot. The drunk drinks his shot and says, “what do I owe ya?”
Bartender says, “that’ll be 45 bucks.”
The drunks says, “oh, gee, I don’t have any money,” so the bartender beats the crap out of him and kicks him out of the bar.
Next day, same bar, same bartender, same drunk - “I wanna buy everyone in here a shot of whiskey - and include one for yourself, my good man.”
The bartender figures there’s no way this guy can be stupid enough to try the same stunt two days in a row, so he pours the shots, drinks his and says, “okay so 45 bucks from yesterday, plus 52 for today, makes 97 bucks.”
The drunk says, “oh, gee - I don’t have any money,” so the bartender beats the crap out of him and kicks him out again.
Next day, same bar, same bartender, same drunk - “I wanna buy everyone in here a shot of whiskey. But not one for you.”
Bartender says, “How come no shot for me this time?”
Drunk says, “because you get violent when you drink.”
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning.
When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed a hold of the next blade of grass.
In this manner, he travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally.
I had what is sometimes called an “epiphany”, a moment of heightened awarness in which all becomes crystal clear.
Hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do…
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s “thing” is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “OHHH GOD… they got my girlfriend too!!!”
—————————————-
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.
“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.”
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch.
“Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring the man was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”
“I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”
——————————————-
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don’t say. I’m from Ireland, too! Let’s have another round to Ireland!”
“Of course,” replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it!” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin, too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin!” The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“St. Mary’s,” replied the second man. “I graduated in ‘62.”
“This is unbelievable,” the first man says. “I went to St. Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!”
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Mally twins are drunk again.”
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning.
When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed a hold of the next blade of grass.
In this manner, he travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally.
I had what is sometimes called an “epiphany”, a moment of heightened awarness in which all becomes crystal clear.
Hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do…
