Tachyonic products are using Tachyonic Energy to cure your ailments….or so the people from Takionic (tm) insist.

Tachyonic Energy is energy created by particles that move faster than light and connect to parallel Universe. And it has something to do with Yin and Yang. Wooha!

There’s Takionic beads, belt, water, massage oil, wrist and headbands, insoles, body lotions, and even a Takionic mattress.

And it works miracles, as the testimonials attest to:

“I could not bend my right knee for 25 years. I used the (Takionic “Spark” Massage) oil for 4 days whenever it hurt. I started on a Tuesday, and by Saturday I (could) bend (my) knee all the way to the floor without pain.”.

“While lying on our bed I put the patch (Takionic 100 Bead Patch) on my abdomen and my physically short leg straightened out - in 3 to 5 seconds! . . . Computerized muscle testing was also done (using a Digital Myograph) and all muscles tested showed improvement. The greatest improvement was my left psoas (in the lower back and hip) and it strengthened 528%!!! ”

And oh, never drink normal water again. Instead, drink Takionic water. At $27.95 per 8 oz. bottle a bargain, because:

“The Takionic water is a revitalizing and refreshing water that is pure and cluster-free. This water had undergone the same quantum molecular process that gives it a distinctive tachyon characteristic (ability to create order out of chaos), that is the unique creation of Tachyon Energy Research Inc.
Its level of bioavailable energy far exceeds any other water tested.”

But wait: they don’t seem to be so sure, or at least their lawyer is clever. Because in the terms and conditions it says:

“We do not claim or imply Takionic Products will cure, improve, treat or otherwise alleviate any health condition. By purchasing Takionic Products, each person agrees that he or she is purchasing them for experimental purposes only.”

Right. So it’s a scam rather than a hoax….

Particles moving faster than light?  So if you use the stuff, you get converted instantaneously into pure energy and blow up your neighbourhood?  That would certainly end your ailments. . .

Well, the idea is that massless particles like tachyons might move faster than light, but it makes it a real bitch to catch them.

If you bought this product, the tachyons should travel faster than light and backwards in time, thus ending your ailments before you even spent your money.  If this thing worked, you’d feel better about the time you decided to go out and buy it.

If you read the description carefully, you’ll find they claim it’s warm sand. I suspect the instructions say to put it in the microwave, or the oven, to get the “warm” part.

Aside from that, it’s a good thing it comes with instructions, since otherwise, their marks would have no clue what it can’t do.

(Tachyons are, by definition, particles that move faster than light. According to Einstein, anything moving faster than light is impossible to detect, and is functionally identical to something which doesn’t exist.)

Citizen Premier - 19 December 2005 09:55 PM

If you bought this product, the tachyons should travel faster than light and backwards in time, thus ending your ailments before you even spent your money.  If this thing worked, you’d feel better about the time you decided to go out and buy it.

...but then you wouldn’t buy it because you were feeling good, so you wouldn’t feel good because you didn’t buy it in the future and….

*wibbles*

Boo - 19 December 2005 10:56 PM

Citizen Premier - 19 December 2005 09:55 PM

If you bought this product, the tachyons should travel faster than light and backwards in time, thus ending your ailments before you even spent your money.  If this thing worked, you’d feel better about the time you decided to go out and buy it.

...but then you wouldn’t buy it because you were feeling good, so you wouldn’t feel good because you didn’t buy it in the future and….

*wibbles*

And so the illogic makes your brain explode in a burst of tachyons, which the manufacturers can capture and make use of in the production of more of their products.  The cunning of it!

They’re breeding an army! ...............

It works people, it really works!!!!  It got rid of my third arm!!!

And i always thought you were modest Stephen….

X - 20 December 2005 07:23 PM

It works people, it really works!!!!  It got rid of my third arm!!!

And did your girlfriend like that?????