Theoretically Genuine Quotes from UK Newspapers
Posted: 11 November 2005 08:40 AM   [ Ignore ]
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1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.” (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common”. (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (AberdeenEvening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. “He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.’” (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

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Posted: 11 November 2005 12:05 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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Those are hilarious. I guess we can assume they’re made up?

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Posted: 11 November 2005 12:25 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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Yes they do sound made up.

Who would park their Land Rover beside a cliff during a gale? And if there was a cliff around the harbor, it would be protected from the wind. So why not park it at the harbor where there was less wind?

And if you work at a harbor, why would you park your car up on cliff anyway? Even in no wind. Most people would park it beside their office.

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Posted: 14 November 2005 08:06 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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I assume they’re made up. I know I’ve heard the fourth one before, but I can’t for the life of me remember where…

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Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 15 November 2005 12:05 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
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Well, obviously you remember it from some other time that it happened, since it is apparently such a common event. . .

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Posted: 15 November 2005 04:28 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
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LOL
Yes. That’s true.
Always bloody happening, that is…

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 15 November 2005 01:18 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
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yeah, I’ve heard em before… pretty sure they’re fake smile

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Posted: 16 November 2005 04:39 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]
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Captain Al - 11 November 2005 05:25 PM

Yes they do sound made up.

Who would park their Land Rover beside a cliff during a gale? And if there was a cliff around the harbor, it would be protected from the wind. So why not park it at the harbor where there was less wind?

And if you work at a harbor, why would you park your car up on cliff anyway? Even in no wind. Most people would park it beside their office.

Ahhh, but it was the coastguard that said it had blown his land rover off the cliff. Not the harbourmaster.
smile
There may not have been a sheltered spot to park it in. But I still think these are fake.

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 16 November 2005 09:05 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]
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The BBC radio show “The News Quiz” features genuine comedy press cuttings on a each programme. I certainly remember #6 being on there, so there may be a few real ones mixed in here.

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Posted: 16 November 2005 09:49 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 9 ]
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If somebody’s feeling ambitious enough, he or she could always contact the various newspapers listed and ask them.

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Posted: 16 November 2005 10:16 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 10 ]
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Okay, I just did a quick little websearch, and the earliest I found these (plus a few others) mentioned was September 2002, where they’re attributed to a BBC Radio 4 programme.

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