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Nun Jokes.
Posted: 30 September 2009 07:01 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 56 ]
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The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The
mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very
serious frown on her face. She began to speak…

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here,
yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair of men’s underwear.
99 nuns: Oh,no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee,hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

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Posted: 30 September 2009 07:02 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 57 ]
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Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking cigarettes,when one said “It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out hereto smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarettebutts so that Mother Superior doesn’t find them.”

The second nun said, “I’ve found a marvelous invention called the condom,which works really well for this problem. You just open thepacket up, takeout the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, rollit up, and dispose of it all later.

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. “You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacistfor them.”

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. “Good morning sister”, said the pharmacist. “What can I do for you today ?”

“I’d like some condoms please” said the nun.

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked “How many boxes would you like - there are twelve to a box.”

“I’ll take twelve boxes - that should last about a week” said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed andhe asked in a clear voice, “Sister, what size condoms would you like -we have large, extra large, and big liar size.”

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said “I’m not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel.

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Posted: 30 September 2009 07:03 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 58 ]
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The new nun goes to her first confession.

She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.

The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.”

The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.”

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Posted: 30 September 2009 07:05 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 59 ]
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A group of sister from a local convent were out for their Sunday bike ride through the suburbs. They were quite a site, seven in a row on one of those seven seater tandem bikes, headed, of course by mother superior.
They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited “OOOOOOOOO!’
The mother superior turned around and looked at them sternly.
She admonished the nuns, “Sisters, you must quiet down”.
They went over another bump, “OOOOOOO”
The mother superior turned around and warned “Sisters, please!’ Your making a spectacle out of us.”
And another bump, “OOOOOO”
The mother superior turned around and gruffly said, “Sisters, this is your last warning. One more OOOOOO out of any of you and we are going to have to put the seats back on.”

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Posted: 30 September 2009 07:09 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 60 ]
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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers, before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he s a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. “Oh look,” says the 2nd nun…“a soap dispenser.” To test her theory she also pulls his dick…and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells… “Look, hand cream!”

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Posted: 30 September 2009 07:10 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 61 ]
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It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

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