I actually got most of these jokes from the nuns who live down the road, so blame them if any are too horrible, not me.
A Highway Patrolman pulls over a car that was going very slow on the highway. When he walks up to the driver’s window, he notices that the car is full of nuns. All but the driver are sitting huddled in their seats, pale and trembling.
The cop says to the driver, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why were you going so slow?”
The nun replies, “Officer, I saw a lot of signs that said 31, not 55.”
The cop laughs and answers, “Oh, Sister, that’s not the speed limit. That’s the name of the highway you’re on! Highway 31.”
The Sister says, “Oh, how silly of me! Thanks for telling me about that.”
Curious, the cop then asks, “Excuse me, Sister, but what’s wrong with your friends? They look like nervous wrecks.”
The Sister looks sheepish and answers, “Oh, well, we just got off of Highway 137.”
* * *
Two Scottish nuns have traveled to the US for the first time. Walking through the airport, they see a hot-dog stand.
“So it’s true that the people in this country eat dogs,” says one.
“How strange!” exclaims her companion. “Well, if we’re going to be in America, we ought to act as the Americans do.” Going up to the cart, they ask for two dogs. The vendor fixes two hot-dogs, wraps them up in foil, and hands them over.
Curious to see this new culinary treat, the nuns rush to a nearby table. The first nun unwraps her meal first, stares at it, blushes, and then leans over towards the other nun.
“Um. . .what part of the dog did you get?” she whispers.
* * *
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming catholic.
* * *
A Mother Superior is questioning a new nun.
“If you’re walking in town late at night, and a man with wicked intentions accosts you, what would you do?” she asks.
“I would life my habit,” replies the nun. The Mother Superior is quite shocked at that response, but decides to continue with the questioning.
“Well, what would you do next?” she asks.
“I would ask him to drop his pants,” the nun answers calmly.
“Why on earth for?” demands the Mother Superior, scandalized.
“Because I can run away faster with my habit hitched up than he can with his pants down around his ankles”.
* * *
Did you hear about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to a convent?
He knocked on the convent’s door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
* * *
A nun is driving the convent’s van down a lonely road when the petrol runs out. She hikes several miles back to a service station she’d passed earlier, but forgot to bring along a can for the petrol. The attendant wants to be of help, but he doesn’t have any spare cans, either. So after a moment’s thought, he fills an old chamberpot with petrol and hands it to her. The nun walks back to the van and starts pouring the petrol into the tank when a passing car stops. The driver rolls down his window and stares for a moment as she empties the chamberpot.
“Sister, I wish I had as much faith as you do!” he says.
* * *
During a fire at a convent, a group of nuns are trapped on the third floor. Thinking quickly, they decide to take off their habits, tie them together, and use them as a rope to climb down from the window. After safely reaching the ground, a reporter runs up to them.
“Weren’t you worried that the habits would have torn as you were climbing down? They look to be awfully worn and old!” he asks.
“Of course not!” replies one of the nuns. “Don’t you know how hard it is to break an old habit?”
* * *
(okay, so this one isn’t about nuns, but it still fits in with the rest)
One Sunday morning, a priest saw a little boy staring intently at the large plaque mounted on the church’s wall. The plaque was covered with names, and flags hung on either side of it.
“Father,” asked the boy, “what is this?”
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who died in the Service.”
They stood together in silence for a moment, the boy lost in thought.
“Father,” the boy softly asked, “which service was it? The 8:00 or the 10:30?”