Q. What’s black and white and red all over?

A. A nun in a blender.

Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street, and one turns to the other and says “Do you know, I’ve never come this way before.”

...At last the hill was too steep and the poor nuns had to get off their bicycles and walk. As they passed a dark passageway two yobbos jumped out, dragged them into the passage and started to rape them. “Lord forgive them for they know not what they do”, said one “Sshhhhhh”, said the other, “this one does.”

...After they have been raped by the two yobbos the two nuns continue to the top of the hill to the convent. One turns to the other and says, “What will we tell the mother superior about being raped twice?” The other replies “But we were only raped once.” The first says “We’re coming back this way, aren’t we?”

...So the poor nuns, raped and exhausted, confess to the Mother Superior the things that had happened on the way, and she says, “Go away and each suck half a lemon”. “Will that absolve us from our sin?” asked one of the nuns. “No,” said the Mother Superior, “but it will wipe that silly grin off your faces.”

...So after the two nuns have sucked their lemons they return to the Mother Superior for the second part of their pennance. “Now you must go and wash your fannies in the holy water”, says the Mother Superior, “And your sins will be finally absolved.” So off they go to the font in the cathedral, and after looking around to check no one is about, they are just about to clap the holy sponges over their pussies when another nun comes rushing up and says, “Wait wait, I’ve got to gargle in that first.”

...Later that night all the nuns are lying in the dormitory when the Mother Superior calls up the stairs, “All right girls, it’s ten o’clock! Bibles away and candles out.” Then there comes the sound, ‘pop’ ‘pop’ ‘pop’.

...But the Mother Superior was not heartless. She knew her younger nuns and said, “I have no objection to you getting a little bit from the monks across the way, but don’t get into the habit.”

...Nine months later the one nun gave birth to a baby without anybody knowing about it. She was in two minds as to whether she should tell the Mother Superior about it. She eventually decided to tell her, so she took the baby and went to the Mother S’s room. Arriving there, she found the Mother sound asleep with her legs astride. Seeing a solution to her problem, she carefully placed the baby between the Mother’s legs and left. The next morning the mother woke up and found the baby there and exclaimed, “Fuck, you can’t even trust the altar candles these days.”

...A few months later the same nun went to the head monk to complain.
“Father I came walking through the park today when a bastard grabbed me and kissed me.”
“Like this, my child?” the monk asked and grabbed her and kissed her. “Yes, Father.”
“But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child.” “Yes, Father, but then he threw me on the grass.” “Like this, my child?” the monk asked and threw her down on the couch. “Yes, Father.”
“But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child.” “Yes, Father, but then he undressed me.” “Like this, my child?” the monk asked and took her clothes off. “Yes, Father.”
“But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child.” “Yes, Father, but then he raped me”
“Like this, my child?” the monk asked and started screwing her. “Yes, Father.”
“But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child.” “Yes, Father, but he gave me VD.”
“Such a bastard!” he exclaimed.

Not a nun joke, but similar.

Jesus slammed down 3 nails on the counter of the hotel and asked: “Can you put me up for the night?”

For Boo,

Three nuns were sitting in a park. A flasher comes up to them. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun had a stroke. The third nun wouldn’t touch him.

I can’t believe no-one’s put this one up yet.

A young nun is taking a bath when there’s a loud knock on the bathroom door.

“Who is it?” the nun calls out.

“It’s the blind man!” comes the reply.

The nun thinks for a bit, then says, “Okay, you can come in I guess.”

A man then strolls into the bathroom with a box under one arm.

“Nice tits!” says he, “Now where do you want this blind?”

Two nuns are sharing a bath to save water

One says ‘where’s the soap?’
The other says, ‘doesn’t it!’

A tourist is wandering about the vatican late at night and he meets a woman on the street.
‘Would you like a good time dear?’ she asks, ‘$20.’
‘Whats a good time?’ he replies not understanding her meaning.
‘I just told you, $20.’

He leaves the woman very confused and when he sees another girl standing on the street he goes up to her and asks, ‘What’s a good time?’
‘$20,’ she replies.

This is no help, but there are a group of women gathered by a nearby house,maybe one of them can help, so he walks up to them and again asks, ‘What’s a good time?’
Again the same reply, this time echoed from all the women, ‘$20.’

It’s no good, this is going to drive him mad, He goes out of his way to avoid the next few women he sees and then he sees a convent.
He knocks on the door and it’s opened by the mother superior.
‘Can I help you my son?’ she says.
‘Please tell me,’ he asks, ‘for the love of god, what is a good time?’
The mother superior replies, ‘$20, just like everywhere else in the town.’

I actually got most of these jokes from the nuns who live down the road, so blame them if any are too horrible, not me.

    A Highway Patrolman pulls over a car that was going very slow on the highway.  When he walks up to the driver’s window, he notices that the car is full of nuns.  All but the driver are sitting huddled in their seats, pale and trembling.

    The cop says to the driver, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why were you going so slow?”

    The nun replies, “Officer, I saw a lot of signs that said 31, not 55.”

    The cop laughs and answers, “Oh, Sister, that’s not the speed limit.  That’s the name of the highway you’re on!  Highway 31.”

    The Sister says, “Oh, how silly of me! Thanks for telling me about that.”

    Curious, the cop then asks, “Excuse me, Sister, but what’s wrong with your friends? They look like nervous wrecks.”

    The Sister looks sheepish and answers, “Oh, well, we just got off of Highway 137.”

*  *  *

    Two Scottish nuns have traveled to the US for the first time.  Walking through the airport, they see a hot-dog stand.

    “So it’s true that the people in this country eat dogs,” says one.

    “How strange!” exclaims her companion.  “Well, if we’re going to be in America, we ought to act as the Americans do.”  Going up to the cart, they ask for two dogs.  The vendor fixes two hot-dogs, wraps them up in foil, and hands them over.

    Curious to see this new culinary treat, the nuns rush to a nearby table.  The first nun unwraps her meal first, stares at it, blushes, and then leans over towards the other nun.

    “Um. . .what part of the dog did you get?” she whispers.

*  *  *

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming catholic.

*  *  *

    A Mother Superior is questioning a new nun.

    “If you’re walking in town late at night, and a man with wicked intentions accosts you, what would you do?” she asks.

    “I would life my habit,” replies the nun.  The Mother Superior is quite shocked at that response, but decides to continue with the questioning.

    “Well, what would you do next?” she asks.

    “I would ask him to drop his pants,”  the nun answers calmly.

    “Why on earth for?” demands the Mother Superior, scandalized.

    “Because I can run away faster with my habit hitched up than he can with his pants down around his ankles”.

*  *  *

Did you hear about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to a convent?
He knocked on the convent’s door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

*  *  *

    A nun is driving the convent’s van down a lonely road when the petrol runs out.  She hikes several miles back to a service station she’d passed earlier, but forgot to bring along a can for the petrol.  The attendant wants to be of help, but he doesn’t have any spare cans, either.  So after a moment’s thought, he fills an old chamberpot with petrol and hands it to her.  The nun walks back to the van and starts pouring the petrol into the tank when a passing car stops.  The driver rolls down his window and stares for a moment as she empties the chamberpot.

    “Sister, I wish I had as much faith as you do!” he says.

*  *  *

    During a fire at a convent, a group of nuns are trapped on the third floor.  Thinking quickly, they decide to take off their habits, tie them together, and use them as a rope to climb down from the window.  After safely reaching the ground, a reporter runs up to them.

    “Weren’t you worried that the habits would have torn as you were climbing down?  They look to be awfully worn and old!” he asks.

    “Of course not!” replies one of the nuns.  “Don’t you know how hard it is to break an old habit?”

*  *  *

(okay, so this one isn’t about nuns, but it still fits in with the rest)

    One Sunday morning, a priest saw a little boy staring intently at the large plaque mounted on the church’s wall.  The plaque was covered with names, and flags hung on either side of it.

    “Father,” asked the boy, “what is this?”

    “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who died in the Service.”

    They stood together in silence for a moment, the boy lost in thought.

    “Father,” the boy softly asked, “which service was it?  The 8:00 or the 10:30?”

A drunk Irishman steps out of a pub. The first person he sees is a nun. He runs up to the nun & starts punching, kicking, and biting her. The nun begins to scream, but the Irishman knocks her to the ground. The nun tries to get up, but she keeps getting pummeled by the Irishman. He’s cursing, yelling, & screaming threats at her. Finally, the nun is able to get away from the Irishman. As she’s taking flight down the street, she hears the Irishman yell, “Not so tough, now, are ya, Batman?!?”

Maeg, I love that one!

I just found this one that I got from a friend (he sends me Irish jokes - b/c of my family). 

Two Irishman, Paddy and Tommy, are having a heated argument. Finally, Paddy says to Tommy, “Let’s go over to the convent and settle this.”

So they go to the convent, knock on the door and when a nun answers Tommy says, “Tell me sister, do you have a nun here about three feet tall?”

The sister says, “Oh no, we have no such nun.”

“Are you sure?” Tommy asks.

“Of course, I’m sure,” she replies.

Then Tommy turns to Paddy and says, “See, I told you, laddie. You fucked a penguin.”