Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!”
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?”
“Well, Father” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”
“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.
“But that’s not what has me so shocked, Father,” replied the nun, “it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!”
“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”
“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”
To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?”
Two nuns are driving home from a long hard day of nun’s work. They left the home of a dying woman late that night and entered a long stretch of supposedly haunted road just as it starts to rain. As they drove though this dark, dark rainstorm with lightning flashing all around, and their car sliding all over the road, the Devil himself appears on the bonnet of the car.
“Oh my,” says the first nun, “it’s Satan, the Dark Lord.” The other nun, driving, says “Lean out the window, and show him your Cross.” So nun one leans out the window and yells ” Hey, asshole, get off the bonnet!”
Two aspirant nuns stay out too late one night and come back to find the doors to their convent closed and locked. The first nun immediately begins to worry that their absence will be noticed and they’ll get into trouble.
“Don’t worry!” says the second nun, “I know another way in.”
So the two nuns go round the back of the convent, an the second nun boosts the first onto the back wall.
As the first nun reaches down to help the second up, she says, “You know, I feel like a commando.”
“Me too!” grunts the second nun, “But where the fuck are we going to find one at this time of night!”
The year’s new intake of novices were getting their initial medical inspection from the convent doctor when he noticed something different about one of the older girls. The kindly old practitioner went immediately to the mother superior and informed her, “Mother Superior, you have amongst the new girls one with an incredibly rare deformity: she has been blessed with two fannies.” “Good gracious,” exclaimed the Mother Superior, “will she be able to lead a normal life?” “Of course,” the good doctor replied, “especially as she is to be a nun, no one will ever notice. However, I should like it very much if you would allow me to consult with my professional colleagues and ask them to come and look at her.” “Of course you may”, said the Mother Superior and off he went. Three weeks later the convent medic returned with his professional colleagues and asked to see the affected nun. “I’m afraid you can’t”, said the mother superior, “We had to get rid of her”. “Why?” asked the old doctor. “We couldn’t stand her holier-than-thou attitude,” was the reply.
three nuns are making their monthly visit to the father superior to confess their sins
the first nun enters the superior’s study and says ‘father forgive me for i have sinned. last week i looked at a man’s private parts whilst walking in the village’
the father superior looks at her sternly and gives her a long lecture on total abstinence of the soul before instructing her to wash out her eyes with holy water
the second nun enters and says ‘father forgive me for i have sinned. ten days ago my hand brushed against a man’s private parts whilst i was in the village’
the father superior looks at her sternly and gives her a long lecture on total abstinence of the flesh before instructing her to wash her hand with holy water
the third nun enters, sits and casually announces ‘nothing big this month daddy-o, although i did take a piss in the holy water this morning!’
