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Nun Jokes.
Posted: 05 August 2005 07:26 AM   [ Ignore ]
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I love nun jokes (“Now, Dougal, nuns are people too…”).
Do you have a favourite?

WARNING: If you are of a religious nature, some of these may offend.

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“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 05 August 2005 07:26 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?”

“Well, Father” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”

“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.

“But that’s not what has me so shocked, Father,” replied the nun, “it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!”

“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”

“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”

To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?”

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 05 August 2005 07:28 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 05 August 2005 07:29 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?

A: A Tran-sister.

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 05 August 2005 07:30 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
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In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.

“Mother, I want to quit the veil.”

“But why, my child?”

“To become a prostitute.”

“What? What are you saying?”

“I said I want to become a prostitute, mother.”

“Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!”

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 05 August 2005 07:35 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
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Two nuns are driving home from a long hard day of nun’s work. They left the home of a dying woman late that night and entered a long stretch of supposedly haunted road just as it starts to rain. As they drove though this dark, dark rainstorm with lightning flashing all around, and their car sliding all over the road, the Devil himself appears on the bonnet of the car.

“Oh my,” says the first nun, “it’s Satan, the Dark Lord.” The other nun, driving, says “Lean out the window, and show him your Cross.” So nun one leans out the window and yells ” Hey, asshole, get off the bonnet!”

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 05 August 2005 07:42 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
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Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.

Saint Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. “Well, once I looked at a man’s penis,” she said.

“Put some of this holy water on your eyes, and you may enter heaven,” Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. “Well, once I held a man’s penis,” she replied.

“Put your hand in this holy water, and you may enter heaven,” he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

Peter asked her, “Why did you push ahead in line?” She said, “Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!”

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 05 August 2005 08:54 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]
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Two aspirant nuns stay out too late one night and come back to find the doors to their convent closed and locked. The first nun immediately begins to worry that their absence will be noticed and they’ll get into trouble.

“Don’t worry!” says the second nun, “I know another way in.”

So the two nuns go round the back of the convent, an the second nun boosts the first onto the back wall.

As the first nun reaches down to help the second up, she says, “You know, I feel like a commando.”

“Me too!” grunts the second nun, “But where the fuck are we going to find one at this time of night!”

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Posted: 05 August 2005 11:14 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]
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The year’s new intake of novices were getting their initial medical inspection from the convent doctor when he noticed something different about one of the older girls. The kindly old practitioner went immediately to the mother superior and informed her, “Mother Superior, you have amongst the new girls one with an incredibly rare deformity: she has been blessed with two fannies.” “Good gracious,” exclaimed the Mother Superior, “will she be able to lead a normal life?” “Of course,” the good doctor replied, “especially as she is to be a nun, no one will ever notice. However, I should like it very much if you would allow me to consult with my professional colleagues and ask them to come and look at her.” “Of course you may”, said the Mother Superior and off he went. Three weeks later the convent medic returned with his professional colleagues and asked to see the affected nun. “I’m afraid you can’t”, said the mother superior, “We had to get rid of her”. “Why?” asked the old doctor. “We couldn’t stand her holier-than-thou attitude,” was the reply.

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“Do you realise the sun doesnt go down, its just an illusion caused by the world spinning round”

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Posted: 05 August 2005 02:06 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 9 ]
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WARNING: pretty gross.

What’s black and white and can’t turn around in a corridor?

A nun with a spear through her head.

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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Posted: 05 August 2005 03:37 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 10 ]
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three nuns are making their monthly visit to the father superior to confess their sins

the first nun enters the superior’s study and says ‘father forgive me for i have sinned. last week i looked at a man’s private parts whilst walking in the village’
the father superior looks at her sternly and gives her a long lecture on total abstinence of the soul before instructing her to wash out her eyes with holy water

the second nun enters and says ‘father forgive me for i have sinned. ten days ago my hand brushed against a man’s private parts whilst i was in the village’
the father superior looks at her sternly and gives her a long lecture on total abstinence of the flesh before instructing her to wash her hand with holy water

the third nun enters, sits and casually announces ‘nothing big this month daddy-o, although i did take a piss in the holy water this morning!’

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Posted: 05 August 2005 05:24 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 11 ]
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Q. What goes black-white-black-white-black-white?

A. A nun rolling down a hill.

Q. What’s black and white and goes Ha-ha-ha?

A. The nun that pushed her!

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2-15-15 9-19 1 19-16-15-18-11 7-15-4-4-5-19-19 15-6 13-9-7-8-20
Turnip Boris Yeltsin frog juggling doormat termite lizard

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years! Indeed it has. And then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became medicine. And the rest of it’s just a nice bowl of soup and some pot pourri.” - Dara O’Briain

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