1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Because they aren’t getting paid enough to look at the rest of you!
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
No, everything below the crust is was claimed by and belongs to Doug McClure.
3. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Sexual selection in humans has led women to have a genetic predisposition to dainty, slender necks. As a consequence of this the arteries in their necks are slightly smaller than in men and partially restrict the flow of blood. You might expect this to lead to a proportional reduction in the size of their brains, but no, women compensate for the lesser ‘bore’ by pumping the blood round the head with the musculature of the lower jaw. This is why women can’t do anything with their mouths closed!
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
Yes, buy an electric toothbrush.
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?
When you first join Alcoholics Anonymous, you are given a false name other than your own to use at meetings. If you can still remember it at your next meeting, they know you haven’t been on a bender in the meantime.
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Because they work on entirely different physical principals.
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Actually, there is a light in your freezer, but unlike the fridge’s it only comes on when the door is shut. To see this for yourself, just climb into your freezer and shut the door.
8. Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
In the case of Perrier, because immediately after being extracted it is handled by French people.
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
This is mandated by Federal law. During the cold war, this was intended to provide the populace with a quick source of charcoal should the western nations ever face attack by chemical weapons.
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
No, it is called “baisers avec des langues”.
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?
A baby cow.
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
Either “hao die” or “hao she”, I’m not sure of the distinction.
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Perhaps they wish to bathe more than their crotch?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?
The word comes from the arabic “al-baraka” meaning a gift or favour. Which is what he thinks he is doing you!
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Quizzes aren’t quizzical they are quizzing, hence tests are testing.
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
All oils are in fact of petrochemical origin. Corn oil was originally marketed as a foot care product, and vegetable oil was once sold to competitive gardeners. Their use in cooking was accidentally discovered at the turn of the 20th century, but by then the names had stuck.
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Because wet-paint dries.
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Yes, but they don’t know it!
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?!
Your breath smells, see answer to !