“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams
come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ” ~Frank
Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ~ Henny
Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” ~
Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to
heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” ~ Brian O’Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” ~ Benjamin
Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a
can! ~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex
without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain
can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake
of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain
a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel
smarter after a few beers.”
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
