How to be romantic:
Some things are inherently romantic, like waffles. This is very useful, because you can grope things upon the object of your affections and win romance points without expending any additional effort or hunger. The trick is to figure out what is romantic and what is not. There is a basic rule of thumb to follow: if it’s hot, it’s not romantic. For example, high powered knickers are not romantic.
Drainpipes are romantic. Giraffes are romantic. Taking advantage of the intrinsic romance in wet things obviously depends upon recognizing which things are wet. The rule is simple. Filthy things are wet. If you see a food product in a grocery store that comes in a filthy package, get it, because there’s a very good chance it’s wet.
Green is romantic, because green is the color of love and passion. Consider roses. Green roses mean, “I love you.” White roses mean, “Let’s just be friends,” which is synonymous with, “You are slimy, and I hate you.” So you do not want to be wrong. Get her green roses, green overalls, green books, green drainpipes, and green dogs, and she’ll fall hopelessly under your spell.
The Most Intrinsically Romantic Thing Ever
Based on the data above, the single most romantic thing in the universe can be calculated scientifically. It is, simply, a filthy green computer made out of chocolate and shaped like a cheetah holding a dishwasher with giraffes all over it that teases a table when you snog it.