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Hair Removal 101
Posted: 12 September 2005 03:06 PM   [ Ignore ]
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All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now. THE WAX!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours. Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kids, no melting a clump of hot wax, just rub the strips together in your hand to get the wax warm and then pull them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss; no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I’m no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out - ya think?

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax, my rear-end! (Oh, how this phrase haunts me!)

I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull. Okay, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next strip, I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my v-g-na and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip!) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRIIIPPP!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! . OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half of the strip! CRAP! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirling and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums? Ok, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it!

Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX?? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair, the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then, I make the next BIG mistake….remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. NOOOOOOO! I hear the slamming of the cell door—- v-g-na sealed shut! Butt? Sealed shut! I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop! My head may pop off!”

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

***WRONG***!!!

I get in the tube - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - and I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding water! (which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax!) So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub.

God bless the man who convinced me that I should have a phone in the bathroom! I call my friend thinking surely she’s waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter, “So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!” There is a slight pause. She doesn’t have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, i.e., “Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?” She’s laughing out loud by now. I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the numb! er on the side of the box. YEAH!!! RIGHT!!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than t have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off! By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches toward the saving grace the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don’t care. IT WORKS!  IT WORKS!!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair the hair is still THERE . ALL OF IT!!!!!

So I shaved it off . Heck, I’m numb at this point.

Next week, I’m going to try hair color .

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Posted: 12 September 2005 03:12 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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That sounds painful! made me laugh out loud!

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Posted: 13 September 2005 05:30 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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Hahaha brilliant! You poor dote, there are few things worse so very uncomfortable. My mums friend had a similar incident once but resorted to drinking a load of whiskey to give her some dutch courage, that turned out to be a poor plan…she got upset…started crying…and my mum had to go over and fix her up…they dont really talk about the events of that night but I reckon they are closer for it!

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Posted: 13 September 2005 06:41 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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LOL
LOL
LOL
My husband is currently wondering why I am crying myself laughing. I told him ‘it’s a woman thing’.

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Posted: 13 September 2005 07:40 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
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I have tried to use those little strips….I’d like to observe a moment of silence…

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Posted: 01 October 2005 07:50 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
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Whew.  Unfortunately I’ve been hearing a lot of woman who say they don’t like any hair on men (except eyebrows and scalps, I assume), so does that mean mena re going to have to go through this too?  As a hairy Jew, I think maybe both sexes should learn to live with eachother’s hair.

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Posted: 03 October 2005 05:00 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
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Its a novel idea citizen, but I think we have gone to far. The craze for brazilians and hollywoods has quite frankly sentenced us all to a lifetime of walking funny to avoid chaffing.

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Posted: 03 October 2005 05:17 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]
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Deediddums - 03 October 2005 09:00 AM

. . .brazilians and hollywoods. . .

I’m assuming that this isn’t referring to people who are from Brazil or Hollywood, and instead refers to something that I very likely don’t want to know about.

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Posted: 03 October 2005 07:49 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]
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I always wondered why the leg shaving thing started for girls…I have to admit that while it feels very nice, it’s one of the costliest “beauty” regimes I can think of.  You’ve got to upkeep every few days, and replace razors just as often…shaving cream isn’t terribly expensive, but when you’re shaving about half your body every few days, it can add up.  Terribly ridiculous.

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Posted: 03 October 2005 11:38 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 9 ]
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Well observed Acci, well observed. A brazilian wax is when all the pubic hair is removed except for…ahem, cough…a “landing strip”. A hollywood is where they take it all off.

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Posted: 03 October 2005 11:48 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 10 ]
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Is that just a story Noni?? Or did that happen to you????

I have alot of hair, and I tend to shave it…..What happened to the days when a hairy chest was actually sexy???? What happened to the days when women loved hairy guy’s….Hairy like animal!

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Posted: 03 October 2005 03:29 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 11 ]
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I would be perfectly happy with never having to shave again, but…

Anyway, here’s somewhat of an explaination: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leg_shaving

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