I’m a strange one to figure out sometimes, even to myself.

The only one who can make you feel guilt is…You! Think about it. When someone tries to make you feel guilty, they are actually trying to manipulate the way you think (not necessarily a bad thing). When joy brings you guilt, think about why it is so. Were you indoctrinated with puritan ethics when you were young (work = good, rest = bad)? In the case you brought up, perhaps you were taught that others have it much worse than you, so to complain borders on sin. It really goes to the mores you were instilled with as a child and retain to adulthood. Whether or not you really need to change is a decision you need to make.

I’m actually currently reading an old book by Wayne Dyer, Pulling Your Own Strings, which talks about this very thing to some extent.

if you’re talking about making complaints to businesses, corporations, websites, etc., that falls under allowing yourself to be victimized by policy.

Keep in mind that very few people who work at a business have any interest in keeping that business running. They care about getting their paycheck and going home. They may try to make you feel that you are wasting the time of the entire company, when in reality you are taking up the time of a person whose job it is to spend that time to find a way to help you.

If this person acts like you are a nuisance instead of a customer, or cites policy at you, go up the chain of command. Most managers and all owners can make exceptions to policy.

Peter, what, exactly, was the complaint and why did you feel you needed to make it?  That’s your first line of thought in trying to understand whether or not you should feel guilty. 

Sometimes our ‘complaint’ is really about something we ourselves have done that we feel was over the line, BUT sometimes it’s the opposite.  Sometimes the complaint was lodged against someone you knew was a ‘middle man’ or a tool and not the real problem (so that makes us feel badly that we had to complain about that middle-tool). 

Feeling badly that you had to lodge a complaint though is different from feeling guilty.  Don’t get the two confused!  You may very well be helping someone else when a similar circumstance arises for them.

Huli my neighbour sometimes sings in the middle of the night, like after 11PM. The last time I thought it was a bit too late, especially as I’d just started back at university and feeling stressed.

After I knocked on her door I felt a bit guilty for talking to her about it. Maybe I should write her a card saying she should still do what she likes to do but maybe not so late at night (or words to that effect, or even in a different room so it doesn’t come through my wall)? How does that sound?

When you live in an apartment, rowhome, condo etc. where walls are in common or close, noise levels really do need to be respected after 9 in the evening.  Asking a neighbor to understand is not anything to feel guilty about.  Some people call the authorities and that’s a bit more difficult to deal with.  You did nothing wrong Peter, and sending a note or letter is neither necessary nor appropriate…..unless she’s cute and you might have another agenda aside from feeling guity.

hulitoons - 21 July 2012 06:53 PM

When you live in an apartment, rowhome, condo etc. where walls are in common or close, noise levels really do need to be respected after 9 in the evening.  Asking a neighbor to understand is not anything to feel guilty about.  Some people call the authorities and that’s a bit more difficult to deal with.  You did nothing wrong Peter, and sending a note or letter is neither necessary nor appropriate…..unless she’s cute and you might have another agenda aside from feeling guity.

Well, she is cute. But I couldn’t.

If the person is otherwise nice, whether cute or not, male or female, complaining is often difficult. 

For MANY decades I had to live by an alarm clock and deadlines so my ears had to be alert.  That meant ALL noise became a problem.  I am fortunate now that this is no longer a point in my life so I can wear earplugs…..............believe me, I welcome the sweet quiet!

10 PM is the rule at my apartment. You have to be pretty quiet after that. It keeps people from getting too mad at each other and lodging complaints against an otherwise nice person.

Letters and notes are not advisable considering they can come across as passive-agressive.

Of course if the person seems off-kilter or liable to retaliate, talk to the apartment manager.

Meringue - 23 July 2012 08:00 PM

Of course if the person seems off-kilter or liable to retaliate, talk to the apartment manager.

She’s been polite whenever I’ve spoken to her so I don’t think that’s a problem.

That’s good. I’m a little concerned about my upstairs neighbor. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone wound so tight. I think I would be scared to give him GOOD news.