I’ve got a Nostromo SpeedPad for such foolishness. Think of it as a mouse for the left hand. It’s a small chunk of keys, with a thumbpad, and can shift between modes. Very good for FPS gaming, and I’ve even had mine assigned paragraph-long taunts.
“Behold sir, your failure. You have brought shame to your family name, such that they will change it to ‘Squirrelf**kers’, as being less humiliating than being associated with your crippling uselessness as a human being.”
“Well played, my good opponent. My entrails may be spread about the field of battle, but know that you have already lost. For last night I had my way with not only your girlfriend, but also your sister, and I have the photographs to prove it.”
“Attend well, colleagues! Our unworthy foe is making off with our flag! Such encroachments upon our soverignity shall not go unpunished!”