Wow.  What a weekend I had.  I made this amazing discovery and because I knew that everyone at the Museum of Hoaxes would want to know and would believe me without the slightest question I had to make my announcement here.

I discovered a new, never-before-seen lake monster this weekend.  I have definitive proof.  But before I get to that, let me share my story with you.

Like so many others in the news lately about monster sightings, I too am an amateur scientist.  Why, just this morning I was experimenting with a machine I have that takes waves of the smallest sort - “micro” waves, if you will - and shoots them at things to heat them up.  I was using it to heat a mixture of water and oats with artificial flavorings.  But that’s beside the point.

We went to a lake party this weekend.  On a whim I grabbed my camera as we went out the door.  Some might say it was because I wanted to take pictures of my daughter at the beach, but in reality I had this feeling.  I just knew something amazing was going to happen and I would want my camera with me.

Nothing much more exciting than my daughter throwing rocks in the water happened all day.  Late in the afternoon as the sun was shining off the water to the west it happened.  We were getting ready to head up the hill to the house to have a barbecue.  Then my amateur scientist instincts kicked in.  Something told me to turn around.  Luckily I had my camera in hand as I was just about to put it in the camera bag.  (A camera bag is a fancy apparatus we amateur scientist use to transport our cameras from location to location.)

I spun around and glanced into the glare of the sun shining off the water and there I saw it.  It wasn’t much more than a black silhouette, but it was unmistakable.  It was definitely a creature that has rarely been seen in this day and age.  I raised my camera and snapped a picture.

No one else saw it as they were gathering things up to take up to the house.  I turned to shout a warning.  As I turned back to snap another picture (knowing with my amateur scientist instincts that I should have two in case the first wasn’t clear) I saw that the creature had already disappeared.  Presumably underwater (a clever deduction that takes sharp amateur scientists savvy to make).  My friends wondered what I had shouted at them to look at.  I showed them the picture and they all gasped in amazement even though it was only a small 2-inch screen on the camera.

I plan on trying to raise money to fund my amateur scientific expedition back to the lake to look for the monster again and study it.  I printed out my picture and stuck it to the side of several plastic jars.  I took them around to area convenience stores and super markets and left them at the cash registers.  I hope to raise enough money over the next month to go out over Labor Day weekend to look for it again.  I already have the promise from a friend to let me use his fish finder if he doesn’t go fishing that weekend.  His boat is currently dry docked, so I can’t use that (and if it gets fixed by then he’ll be out fishing so I’ll be out a boat and a fish finder).  But I hope to raise enough to rent a boat for the expedition.

Below I am posting for the first time the picture I took of the monster.  If you can see it as clearly as I can and would like to pledge some money to my amateur scientific expedition please send me a PM.  Any pledge of $25 (US) or more will earn you a spot on the expedition team even if you’re not a great amateur scientist like I am.  (Women in bikinis preferred.)

This looks like a corporeal manifestation of Dark Matter. Notice how it leaves no trace of a shadow. I’d say you’re very lucky to be alive. You could’ve been trapped inside the dark void between space and time.

I’m calling bullshit on this.

The head is obviously a sock puppet, the body is a seal, and the tail is the remnant of a Viking longship.

I think I see the word “Fred” in courier type somewhere in the black….

I´m not even going to ask questions.

Don’t get your hopes up, Tah.  I once took an incontrovertible picture of Nessie at Loch Ness.

Despite the fact that you can clearly see her flying her jet over the loch, nobody was in the least interested in providing me funding for research. 

Peter - 29 July 2007 10:59 PM

This looks like a corporeal manifestation of Dark Matter. Notice how it leaves no trace of a shadow. I’d say you’re very lucky to be alive. You could’ve been trapped inside the dark void between space and time.

Oh.  Good point, Peter.  Luckily, just last week, I purchased a copy of The Complete Amateur Scientist’s Guide to Dark Matter.  I’ll need to make sure I read that before my expedition.

Charybdis - 30 July 2007 07:28 AM

I’m calling bullshit on this.

The head is obviously a sock puppet, the body is a seal, and the tail is the remnant of a Viking longship.

Then I might find a giant living in the lake because that head was pretty big!

MadCarlotta - 30 July 2007 07:49 AM

I think I see the word “Fred” in courier type somewhere in the black….

Hayden Lake Fred.  Yes.  I quite like the sound of that.  MC, you can be in the expedition if you’d like.

Accipiter - 30 July 2007 10:00 AM

Don’t get your hopes up, Tah.  I once took an incontrovertible picture of Nessie at Loch Ness.

Despite the fact that you can clearly see her flying her jet over the loch, nobody was in the least interested in providing me funding for research. 

I actually went around to check some of the jars this morning.  I already have $1.37 from the twenty-some-odd jars!  Woohoo!

Yay! I get to be in the expedition!

Better get the bikini ready.  He will be doing an inspection before you set out.