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Joke: men talk, women talk
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Posted By:
Winona
in USA
Apr 21, 2005
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<b>THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH</b>
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to
like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes
to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're
stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at
a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and
did you bring your checkbook?
<b>THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....</b>
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
<b>THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH</b>
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any
different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys
"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home!!!
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Comments
X
in McKinney, TX
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 09:42 AM
I believe any guy with a woman knows this...We know your tricks. |
X
in McKinney, TX
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 09:48 AM
"Are you Allright?"= "Do you feel well enough for sex?"
"You go ahead and drive"= "I want to check out other women on the road"
Not tonight dear = I just masterbated 5 min. |
Hyped on Caffiene
in Michigan down by the river
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 11:41 AM
shhhhh dont tell all our secrets |
X
in McKinney, TX
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 11:54 AM
I know you could find a better guy= I want a chance to have sex with you. |
X
in McKinney, TX
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 11:58 AM
What a guy might say: "I'm sorry to here you 2 broke up...Let me pick up a few drinks and you can tell me about it"
What he is thinking: "Hell, I just doubled my chances at scoring with this chick"
Most guy's have used this card!!!!! Works well too. :cheese: |
Maegan
in Tampa, FL - USA
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 12:51 PM
Hmm...When my husband says, "I'll do it this weekend." It means it's never EVER going to get done unless I do it.
He also does this:
Are you awake? = Do you want to have sex?
You wanna go to bed? = DYWTHS?
I'm tired ::sigh:: = DYWTHS?
Do you think the baby is asleep? = DYWTHS
My favorite is the one where he actually WAKES ME UP, to find out if I want to have sex. I don't mind having sex...but let me be AWAKE.
Maegan...shakes my arm...Maegan! Hey, since you're awake...::and this is where I realize I'm naked::...and you're naked, let's have sex! |
X
in McKinney, TX
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 01:02 PM
Well, for the first time to ever happen in a relationship of mine, I turn my G/F down....She will have sex at anytime....It is like it takes all the fun out of it.. I tried to change things up a bit, like sex in different places, Thinking it might jump start me again, but she refuses, even on the sofa!! |
Maegan
in Tampa, FL - USA
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 01:08 PM
I think my husband turns me down more than I turn him down. He just asks at really stupid times, almost like he WANTS me to say no.
While I was pregnant and sex was becoming difficult...he said it would be a great idea to do it in the shower. I said, No, b/c I could slip, or you could slip...it's not a good idea. Well, he REEEEAAALY wanted to...so we did. And he sprained his ankle & had to be on crutches for 6 weeks. ...Also b/c it was SO not fun to do it in the shower while I was pregnant I don't think I even have to explain how terribly wrong things went.
I'm always right. I don't know why he doesn't just believe me when I say something is a stupid idea. ::sigh:: MEN! |
Captain Al
in Vancouver Island, Canada
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 03:35 PM
Oops! Excuse me, I thought this was the Museum of Hoaxes. Can any of you point me in the right direction? |
X
in McKinney, TX
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 | 03:52 PM
Take a seat Al, things have changed!!!!! |
Captain Al
in Vancouver Island, Canada
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 08:55 AM
I see that. |
Maegan
in Tampa, FL - USA
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 09:51 AM
Captain Al, do you ride in a helicopter for your job?? |
Captain Al
in Vancouver Island, Canada
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 | 01:32 PM
Maegan, no I haven't yet for my current job. Someday it might happen though.
(Am I being set up for a joke here?) |
Maegan
in Tampa, FL - USA
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 | 08:20 AM
Lol...No, there's a T.V. personality that goes by "Captain Al". No last name, no Alvin, or Albert...Just Captain Al. I tried to see if they had his pic on the website, but they don't have him listed at all. He does the traffic in the helicopter...so it might be a contracted job. |
Emily
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Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 | 10:50 AM
I just really dont understand the way men think...it's really annoying and frustrating.
I mean, how would you know for sure that a guy liked you, and you knew he was a very popular amongst girls, but also that he lacks self-esteem and that he isnt good with girls (he doesnt understand them)?...
Oh men!
But I guess girls are even more confusing as we're that bit smarter and not so simple |
jo
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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 | 09:40 AM
i wont be long...
what they really mean is...i'll be a couple of hours |
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Note: This thread is located in the Old Forum of the Museum of Hoaxes.
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