April Fool's Day Archive, Contents:

Discover magazine published an article detailing the discovery by wildlife biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo of a fascinating new species: the hotheaded naked ice borer. Dr. Pazzo, the article explained, encountered this creature while studying penguins in Antarctica. She noticed a frightened penguin rapidly sinking into the ice, and when she pulled the hapless creature out of the rapidly growing slush pool, she found small, bizarre animals attached to its lower body. They were about half a foot long, and quite light. Their unique feature was a bony plate on their head that they could cause to become burning hot, allowing them to bore tunnels through the ice at high speeds, "much faster than a penguin can waddle." Packs of them would rapidly melt the ice beneath a penguin, causing it to sink into the slush, at which point they would surround the creature and consume it.

Dr. Pazzo hypothesized that the hotheads might have been responsible for the mysterious disappearance of noted Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson in 1837. "To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin," she was quoted as saying. Discover received an enormous amount of mail in response to this article. The responses of most readers were very tongue-in-cheek, but a few readers were annoyed that Discover had taken liberties with the trust of its readers. (For more details, see article: Hotheaded Naked Ice Borer.)

Discover magazine reported that an archaeologist digging in Jerusalem had uncovered the legendary Holy Grail. The archaeologist, Leon Decoeur, found the grail on Christmas eve when, for no particular reason, he had decided to work late at the dig. The discovery had sparked intense excitement and controversy in the scientific community, although some doubted Decoeur's findings, remembering that 15 years earlier he had claimed to have found the Sermon on the Mount. Most exciting of all, blood had been found at the bottom of the cup. Decoeur hypothesized that the DNA of Jesus might reveal, once and for all, "that we're closer to chimpanzees than to the deity."

An article in PC Computing magazine written by John Dvorak described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill was supposedly numbered 040194 (i.e. 04/01/94), and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof (April Fools backwards). The article said that the FBI was going to use the bill to tap the phone line of anyone who "uses or abuses alcohol" while accessing the internet. Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?" The article offered this explanation for the origin of the bill: "The moniker 'Information Highway' itself seems to be responsible for SB 040194, which is designed to prohibit anyone from using a public computer network (Information Highway) while the computer user is intoxicated. I know how silly this sounds, but Congress apparently thinks being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is. The bill is expected to pass this month." The article generated so many outraged phone calls to Congress that Senator Edward Kennedy's office had to release an official denial of the rumor that he was a sponsor of the bill.

Garden News magazine revealed that a prehistoric plant had been discovered growing out of a fossilised stegosaurus dropping found preserved within a Mojave Desert cave. The plant, dubbed the dinosaur vine, was being studied by Professor Adge Ufult (say it out loud).

Finally, Byte magazine featured a new portable computer, available from the Honda Corporation, called the "Transporter":
Byte later received a call from a USA Today reporter inquiring about the Transporter.

Byte magazine described a new product called the MacKnifer:

"Ennui Associates has announced MacKnifer, a hardware attachment that mounts on the side of your Macintosh and sharpens knives, scissors, lawn-mower blades—anything in your home that needs sharpening. With MacKnifer's patented double-action grinding wheel, you can easily sharpen any utensil in less time than it takes the Mac to open a file. According to the manufacturer, MacKnifer is so easy to use that you can operate it within 30 minutes of taking it out of the box. Turn your spare computing time into extra cash with a knife-sharpening business on the side... of your Macintosh."

Byte Magazine featured a section called "What's Not," instead of its usual "What's Hot" section. Included were technological gadgets such as computer disks made of soybeans:

Sports Illustrated published an article about the Mets’s new rookie pitcher, Sidd Finch (short for Siddhartha Finch). He could reportedly throw a ball with startling, pinpoint accuracy at 168 mph. Sidd Finch had never played baseball before. Instead he had mastered the “art of the pitch” in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the “great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa.“ Mets fans celebrated their teams good luck and flooded Sports Illustrated with requests for more information. In reality, this legendary player sprang from the imagination of George Plimpton. (For more information, see the Sidd Finch article in the Hoaxipedia.)

MIT's Technology Review published an article titled "Retrobreeding the Woolly Mammoth" that described an effort by Soviet scientists, led by Dr. Sverbighooze Yasmilov, to insert DNA from woolly mammoths found frozen in Siberian ice into elephant cells. The cells would then be brought to term inside elephant surrogate mothers. Many members of the media believed the report to be real.

On Cable magazine reported that a huge publicity blitz was being planned around an upcoming Michael Jackson song called "Tingle." The song was said to be three minutes and twelve seconds long, and a video of it would feature Jackson walking out of a boutique and catching fire. Jackson's record company had reportedly also developed a 37-minute promo clip to hype the video, and this promo was, in turn, being developed into a 3-hour film by Paramount. Three video versions of the song would be sold: "Michael Jackson's 'Tingle'" for $39.95; "Making the 'Tingle' Video" for $79.95; and "The Making of 'The Making of the "Tingle" Video'" for $99.95. MTV was going to show the 37-minute promo clip hourly. Parker Brothers would release a board game designed around it. Pepsi would be the official soft drink of the video, and Allstate would sell "exclusive fire insurance" along with the video. At the bottom of the article a note said "On Cable, April Fool, 1984." Nevertheless, two weeks later a reporter for "Breakaway," a syndicated news-magazine program broadcast on 55 television stations around the country, went on the air and reported the "Tingle" story as breaking news, not realizing that the article was a joke. The reporter, in his defense, later explained that he had never read On Cable Magazine, and that he had heard the story instead from "a woman that I know who is a friend of the family."

In its "What's New" section Byte Magazine announced the introduction of a 5-megabyte hard disk for the Sinclair ZX81:

At the time, 5 megabytes seemed like an impossibly large size. Nevertheless, hundreds of readers wrote to the magazine requesting more information.

Byte Magazine also described an "erase-only memory" circuit in it's "What's New" section:

A third April Fool's day product featured by Byte magazine was a Debugging Tool that "Irons Out Circuit Problems":

On Cable magazine reported that Turner Broadcasting was going to merge with NBC. The new logo of the resulting company (TNBC) would show a peacock wearing Ted Turner's trademark railroad engineer's cap. Ted Turner would personally add some variety to the new company's entertainment lineup by co-hosting a country music show called "Atlanta Howdown" with Slim Whitman and Barbara Mandrell. On Cable magazine reportedly received angry phone calls from executives at both NBC and TNT complaining that their management had taken such a step without informing them first.

On Cable magazine reporter Peter Funt announced the creation of the first 24-hour a day cable food network called KNOSH. (Apparently the idea of a 24-hour a day food network seemed silly in the days before Emeril Lagasse.)