April Fool's Day Archive, Contents:

Chilefoundry.com warned that the federal government was planning to classify Capsaicin (the component of chili peppers that gives them their heat) as a controlled substance. Seeds of any chili pepper capable of producing 1 millions SHUs (Scoville Scale heat units) would become illegal. The government made this decision after noting that after eating extremely hot sauces, people frequently talked about feeling a "high" afterwards.

The Smokers Angel, makers of an electronic cigarette, revealed they were expanding into a new line of products: e-lager. They explained: "It looks and feels just like a real can of lager, but when you hold up the can and vrink (def: to slurp vinkahol) an atomiser is activated which vaporises the e-foria liquid inside. The resulting thick vapour tastes and feels just like a real lager, but, after swallowing, the contents vaporise away, escaping through your nostrils, mouth and other orifices. What’s left behind?  Alcohol - with none of the fatty carbohydrates of real beer.

The British Library's Medieval and Earlier Manuscripts Blog announced the discovery of a long-lost medieval cookbook that included a recipe for cooked unicorn. "Taketh one unicorne," the cookbook instructed, then marinade it in cloves and garlic, and finally roast it on a griddle. The compiler of this cookbook was said to be one "Geoffrey Fule," who worked in the kitchens of Philippa of Hainault, Queen of England (1328-1369).

As a way to encourage recycling, and to add flavor to its stories, the UK Metro Herald announced plans to issue the newspaper in edible form:

Russian Standard Vodka ran ads in UK newspapers claiming to have created the world's first "lickvert": an ad dipped in vodka. Readers were urged to "Lick Here," though also reminded to, "Please lick responsibly."

The website HowStuffWorks described a new startup company, ReBubble, that was coming out with rechargeable chewing gum. The gum could be "recharged" by placing it in a special recharging station, the ReCHEWvenation Chamber, that plugged into either a standard power socket or connected to a computer via a USB cable. "After it finishes charging, the gum should have the same taste and texture as it did fresh from the package." The gum would eventually come in five flavors, although the only flavor currently available tasted like "grape with a hint of ozone." However, there were reportedly problems if people ate partially charged-sticks of gum. But the company was trying hard to prevent "catastrophic gum failure."

Online retailer thinkgeek.com unveiled Squeez Bacon, 100% bacon paste that could be squeezed from a tube. It described it as "the world's most perfect food."

The website of Cyclone Dairy appeared online in late March 2009. It purported to represent "the first dairy brand to offer great-tasting products made exclusively from cloned cows." Its tagline was "Quality. Consistency. Isn't that what your family deserves?" The smiling family featured on the site's front page included a young boy missing his front teeth.
On April 1st ice cream-maker Ben & Jerry's revealed it had created the site, hoping to raise "onsumer awareness of the government's recent approval of cloned milk and meat within the human food supply chain."

Candy shop A Quarter Of announced it would soon be selling the Chokle, a chocolate bar filled with helium gas.

The Daily Mail revealed that Walkers Crisps had designed noise-free crisps, to be marketed as "Ready Silent Cri-sshhp." They would allow people to "eat loud snacks in the cinema without disturbing the person next to you." The crisp was said to have "the same flavour and crunchiness, except it comes already crushed."

The American grocery chain Whole Foods Market revealed a new product on its website: organic air. It came in .02 oz bottles in four varieties: original, sea breeze, mountain wind, and salt & vinegar. The grocery chain also announced that it was opening a new store in Antarctica, and that it was offering a free spider with every purchase of 50-lbs of organic bananas.

British supermarket chain Waitrose placed ads in newspapers announcing the availability of a new fruit, the pinana (a combination of pineapple and banana). The text of the ad read:

Guinness ran a print ad showing its famous dark beer reversed (foam on bottom, beer on top). The caption on the ad read, "For Today Only."

Nestle put out a press release (with an accompanying website) announcing they were changing the name of the Butterfinger candy bar to "The Finger," in order to give the candy "a shorter, more contemporary name."

The Daily Express claimed that biscuits were being mixed into tarmac to help make roads safer. "Scientists yesterday revealed that broken biscuits are in fact the perfect material to help resurface roads... Years of experimental research revealed that crushed-up ginger nuts are the best biscuit for a road's sub-base, as they are more porous and allow water to drain away."