April Fool's Day Archive, Contents:

BMW announced a new feature for its cars — WAIL, which stood for "Wildlife Acoustic Information Link." It was a device designed to prevent animals from becoming roadkill by emitting high-pitched soundwaves (inaudible to human ears, but audible to animals) that sent critters scurrying out of the way:

"This operates on the same ultrasonic echo-sounding principle as BMW's Park Distance Control System. Sonic waves are emitted from the front bumper producing a warning call which alerts stray animals to the approaching car. This then encourages them to jump in the nearest hedgerow."

BMW announced that it would be adding a new feature to its entire line of cars: an Insect Deflector Screen (or IDS for short), designed to keep windscreens bug free. The IDS, developed by Munich scientist Dr. Jurgen Afalfurit, consisted of a clear rubber coating applied to the windscreen. The coating itself was invisible to the eye, but it caused bugs to literally bounce off the window, "even at high speeds."

Drivers were invited to find out more about the IDS by filling out a coupon and checking one of the following options: "I find flies get stuck to my windscreen -- Hardly ever; Sometimes; Far too Often."

BMW announced that certain models of their cars would be fitted with "Optiglass" — a new optical technology that eliminated the need for drivers to wear glasses:

A commercial for BMW aired on British TV promoting a revolutionary new technology, "anti-track control," that enabled the removal of tire tracks from the ground. The ad explained that the technology had been developed by East German military authorities, but it could now be used by surreptitious lovers seeking to conceal their tracks from suspicious partners. The spoof commercial was created for BMW by ad agency WCRS. The footage of disappearing tire tracks was created by taking a previous BMW commercial and playing it backwards.

Volkswagen ran an ad in the London Times promoting a car featuring a "decomposable roofrack." The tagline read, "It's not an April fool. It's a Volkswagen."

Hoffman York & Compton, a Milwaukee advertising firm, released promotional material introducing the Caballo XL, described as a revolutionary new South American car built around 'five-wheel drive' technology:

As a result, drivers would be able to drive at speeds in excess of 160 mph over rough, bumpy roads. The small firm later said that it issued the release in order to drum up business from the car industry by showing that it could play in the big leagues.

BMW Canada ran an ad in the Globe and Mail announcing a new addition to its luxury cars: road warmers. Pivoting convex lasers mounted in front of each wheel would melt ice and snow on the road as the car was being driven. Turbo fans would then remove excess moisture from the road. According to BMW's press release, this invention would "virtually eliminate the need to clear your driveway during winter." The advertisement assured readers that road warmers would eventually become standard on all new BMWs, but until then dealers would install them on older models free of charge.

BMW unveiled a "significant advance in anti-theft technology" — Driver's Weight Sensors:

"DWS stands for Driver's Weight Sensor. A unique system that compares the driver's weight with a pre-programmed value stored in the sensor's computer memory...
The sensor weight reading is then compared to the programmed weight in the memory, and provided this falls to within ±5%, the car will start normally.



If, however, the figure exceeds these tolerances, then a discreet gong sounds, and the entire ignition system is shut down."<

Interested readers were urged to contact Hugh Phelfrett at BMW.

BMW announced a new technological innovation that would be incorporated into future versions of its cars—the badgewash system. No longer would BMW drivers have to endure dirt on their enamel bonnet badge. The advertisement claimed that, "A tiny sensor mounted in the wiper arm measures the light reflected back from the white sections of the BMW badge… Even if a film of dirt cuts out as little as 5% of that light, the sensor will detect it and start the wiper."

A Yorkshire ad agency, Male Winram Tweddle and Associates, placed an ad in the Yorkshire Post describing a new super-car, the Clegg GTi Turbo. The ad claimed that compared to this car "Owt else is nobbut middlin". A phone number was also provided for those wanting more information. When people called this number they were informed that they had "bin 'ad by some poncey ad agency."

BMW ran an ad in the London Times warning that a Far East company specializing in "reproduction cars" was selling fake BMWs in the UK. The company offered tips for drivers to determine if their BMW was real or a forgery, such as checking the roundel to make sure it matched the genuine symbol. Also:

"Check the noise level. This can be done in much the same way as the engineers test every BMW. Sit in the car with the engine running. Ask another person to stand 10 feet from the passenger door and shout: 'Esel. Du bist 'reingefallen'. If this is inaudible, it's nongenuine."

The german phrase translates as, "You Ass! You fell for it!"

BMW announced that its engineer Aap Rilfühl had figured out a way to allow drivers to switch the position of their steering wheel, so that British drivers could move the wheel whenever they crossed the channel from Britain to France:

Byte magazine featured a new portable computer, available from the Honda Corporation, called the "Transporter":

Byte later received a call from a USA Today reporter inquiring about the Transporter.

BMW announced that its Chief development engineer, Herr Brehn, had come up with a solution for the "irksome chore" of maintaining correct tire pressure: dashboard tire pressure control:

"Herr Brehn perfected a revolving seal, kept airtight by an ingenious contra-flow of air under very high pressure... Touch a button on the console and a digital display gives pressure... A compressor feeds air into storage units. It then travels to the wheel centre via the revolving seal and through to the tyre. Excess pressure is merely vented into the contra-flow system."