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Cars

The Moscow Times revealed details of the new limousine used to transport President Dmitry Medvedev. It was said to be far more secure than the limousine used to transport U.S. President Obama:
Various news outlets around the world reported the story as fact, including Britain's The Guardian. The German magazine Der Spiegel and three media outlets in South Korea contacted the Moscow Times seeking more details.

The Daily Express claimed that a British inventor had built an invisible car, designed to fool speed cameras: "“It is beautiful in its simplicity... The plastic film appears completely normal to the human eye. But the flash of the camera reacts with molecules in the film and light is reflected outwards to make the car appear invisible in pictures.” The inventor admitted that the one problem was also covering the wheels and developing an invisible suit to wear.

BMW unveiled a new feature for its cars: Magnetic Tow Technology.

Drivers were invited to email uve.vollenvorit@bmw.co.uk for further information.

Car and Driver Magazine revealed that the White House had ordered that "GM and Chrysler must cease participation in NASCAR at the end of the 2009 season if they hope to receive any additional financial aid from the government." The White House was said to have released the following statement: "In order to receive this money, corporations must demonstrate they will spend it wisely. Racing has been said to improve on-road technology, but frankly, NASCAR almost flaunts its standing among the lowest-tech forms of motorsport. NASCAR is not proven to drive advancements that transfer from the racetrack to the road, and this nation’s way forward does not hinge on decades-old technology. We need new, and we need innovation.” NASCAR was said to be exploring other options, such as inviting Korea's Hyundai corporation to compete in GM and Chrysler's place.

BMW warned that "Slow Cameras" would soon be installed on British roads to photograph drivers who were driving below the minimum speed limit. To help drivers avoid detection, BMW engineers had devised a ZIP (Zoom Impression Pixels) coating that covered the exterior of the car:

BMW's Head of Mandate Avoidance, Hans Uphoo-Gotit, reassured consumers that ZIP technology would have no effect on normal speed cameras.

BMW ran an ad in the Guardian to unveil its new Satellite Hypersensitive Electromagnetic Foodration (SHEF) Technology, which would allow drivers to cook their dinners from their car as they drove home from work. All the dials for the home oven were built into the dashboard of the car and communicated wirelessly with the actual oven at home. Drivers could monitor the progress of their meal via a built-in oven-cam. The ad directed readers to a website that featured images of a roasted chicken and a sleek sedan, and offered recipes such as "chicken a la M42."

Car-maker MINI placed ads in several Australian papers describing a new space-saving technology: the Vertical Parking Locator (VPL), which allowed MINIs to park vertically on the side of buildings. Their press release stated:

To demonstrate the technology MINI placed one of their cars on the side of the Woolworths building in George Street, Sydney.

Dunlop Tires announced the availability of a new product: personalized tire treads: "'For hundreds of years people have been monogramming their clothes, and there's certainly no shortage of personalized license plates, so why shouldn't they be able to add a personal touch to their tires too?' said Ian McIntosh, General Manager of Advertising & Marketing Services, Dunlop Tires (Canada)... Dunlop Ident-a-Treds are the product of more than a decade of top-secret work at the company's remote Canadian research and development facility in Serit Polnud, NWT. Researchers at the Serit Polnud lab created the new, ultra malleable and highly adhesive tires by combining sticky sap from Canadian maple trees with traditional rubber compounds. Dunlop Ident-a-Tred tires are available with initials, symbols, designs or logos engraved onto the tire treads, combining superior traction and handling with unique style."

Esquire magazine introduced its readers to an exciting new company called Freewheelz in an article titled "There Are No Free Wheels." Freewheelz apparently planned to provide drivers with free cars. In exchange, the lucky drivers had to agree both to the placement of large advertisements on the outside of the vehicle and to the streaming of advertisements on the radio inside the car. Prospective drivers also had to submit to a screening process, which required them to submit stool samples and notarized video-store-rental receipts. The article was actually a satire of the much-touted “new economy” spawned by the internet. Attentive readers would have caught on to the joke if they had noticed that Freewheelz’s official rollout on the web was slated to occur on April 1. However, readers who did not notice this barraged the offices of Esquire magazine with phone calls, demanding to know how they could sign up to drive a Stayfresh minivan. (See article: Freewheelz.)

BMW announced a new feature for its automobiles that would cause animals to move out of the path of the car. Dubbed WAIL for "Wildlife, Acoustic, Information, Link," the device emitted a high-pitched sound wave inaudible to human ears, but audible to animals. The sound wave sent animals scurrying away from the oncoming car, saving them from possible injury. In the ad a small hedgehog was shown running away from the road as a BMW 7 Series sweeped past. A related web site explained that it was no longer just Dr. Doolittle who communicated with animals.

BMW announced that it would be adding a new feature to its entire line of cars: an Insect Deflector Screen (or IDS for short), designed to keep windscreens bug free. It had been developed by Munich scientist Dr. Jurgen Afalfurit. The IDS consisted of a clear rubber coating applied to the windscreen. The coating itself was invisible to the eye, but it caused bugs to literally bounce off the window, "even at high speeds." Drivers were invited to find out more about IDS by filling out a coupon and checking one of the following options: "I find flies get stuck to my windscreen -- Hardly ever; Sometimes; Far too Often."

BMW announced a new addition to its luxury cars: road warmers. Pivoting convex lasers mounted in front of each wheel would melt ice and snow on the road as the car was being driven. Turbo fans would then remove excess moisture from the road. According to BMW's press release, this invention would "virtually eliminate the need to clear your driveway during winter." The advertisement assured readers that road warmers would eventually become standard on all new BMWs, but until then dealers would install them on older models free of charge.

BMW unveiled a revolutionary new technology that enabled the removal of tire tracks from the ground. It was explained that the technology had been developed by East German military authorities, but could now be used by surreptitious lovers seeking to conceal their tracks from suspicious partners. The spoof announcement was created for BMW by ad agency WCRS.

Hoffman York & Compton, a Milwaukee advertising firm, released promotional material introducing the Caballo XL, described as a revolutionary new South American car built around 'five-wheel drive' technology:

As a result, drivers would be able to drive at speeds in excess of 160 mph over rough, bumpy roads. The small firm later said that it issued the release in order to drum up business from the car industry by showing that it could play in the big leagues.

BMW announced a new anti-theft device that would soon be available on its cars—Driver's Weight Sensors (DWS). The device would recognize the weight of the driver, and if a driver with a different weight attempted to start the car they would be greeted by gongs and flashing headlamps while a hidden radio signal contacted the police. Interested readers were instructed to contact Hugh Phelfrett at BMW.