April Fool's Day Archive, Contents:

BMW unveiled a new feature for its cars: Magnetic Tow Technology.

Drivers were invited to email uve.vollenvorit@bmw.co.uk for further information.

BMW warned that "Slow Cameras" would soon be installed on British roads to photograph drivers who were driving below the minimum speed limit. To help drivers avoid detection, BMW engineers had devised a ZIP (Zoom Impression Pixels) coating that covered the exterior of the car:

BMW's Head of Mandate Avoidance, Hans Uphoo-Gotit, reassured consumers that ZIP technology would have no effect on normal speed cameras.

BMW ran an ad in the Guardian to unveil its new Satellite Hypersensitive Electromagnetic Foodration (SHEF) Technology, which would allow drivers to cook their dinners from their car as they drove home from work. All the dials for the home oven were built into the dashboard of the car and communicated wirelessly with the actual oven at home. Drivers could monitor the progress of their meal via a built-in oven-cam. The ad directed readers to a website that featured images of a roasted chicken and a sleek sedan, and offered recipes such as "chicken a la M42."

Car-maker MINI placed ads in several Australian papers describing a new space-saving technology: the Vertical Parking Locator (VPL), which allowed MINIs to park vertically on the side of buildings. Their press release stated:

To demonstrate the technology MINI placed one of their cars on the side of the Woolworths building in George Street, Sydney.

BMW announced a new feature for its automobiles that would cause animals to move out of the path of the car. Dubbed WAIL for "Wildlife, Acoustic, Information, Link," the device emitted a high-pitched sound wave inaudible to human ears, but audible to animals. The sound wave sent animals scurrying away from the oncoming car, saving them from possible injury. In the ad a small hedgehog was shown running away from the road as a BMW 7 Series sweeped past. A related web site explained that it was no longer just Dr. Doolittle who communicated with animals.

BMW announced that it would be adding a new feature to its entire line of cars: an Insect Deflector Screen (or IDS for short), designed to keep windscreens bug free. It had been developed by Munich scientist Dr. Jurgen Afalfurit. The IDS consisted of a clear rubber coating applied to the windscreen. The coating itself was invisible to the eye, but it caused bugs to literally bounce off the window, "even at high speeds." Drivers were invited to find out more about IDS by filling out a coupon and checking one of the following options: "I find flies get stuck to my windscreen -- Hardly ever; Sometimes; Far too Often."

BMW announced a new addition to its luxury cars: road warmers. Pivoting convex lasers mounted in front of each wheel would melt ice and snow on the road as the car was being driven. Turbo fans would then remove excess moisture from the road. According to BMW's press release, this invention would "virtually eliminate the need to clear your driveway during winter." The advertisement assured readers that road warmers would eventually become standard on all new BMWs, but until then dealers would install them on older models free of charge.

BMW unveiled a revolutionary new technology that enabled the removal of tire tracks from the ground. It was explained that the technology had been developed by East German military authorities, but could now be used by surreptitious lovers seeking to conceal their tracks from suspicious partners. The spoof announcement was created for BMW by ad agency WCRS.

BMW announced a new anti-theft device that would soon be available on its cars—Driver's Weight Sensors (DWS). The device would recognize the weight of the driver, and if a driver with a different weight attempted to start the car they would be greeted by gongs and flashing headlamps while a hidden radio signal contacted the police. Interested readers were instructed to contact Hugh Phelfrett at BMW.

BMW announced a new technological innovation that would be incorporated into future versions of its cars—the badgewash system. No longer would BMW drivers have to endure dirt on their enamel bonnet badge. The advertisement claimed that, "A tiny sensor mounted in the wiper arm measures the light reflected back from the white sections of the BMW badge… Even if a film of dirt cuts out as little as 5% of that light, the sensor will detect it and start the wiper."