Article April Fools Day - 2005
Type: April Fool’s Day Hoaxes.
Summary: Hoaxes perpetrated on April Fool’s Day, 2005.
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Table of Contents
Media Pranks
Migrant Mother Makeover
 Before |  After |
Popular Photography Magazine ran a special feature (prominently dated April 1, 2005) on how to touch up photos in which subjects have unsightly wrinkles or unattractive expressions. “Can these photos be saved?” the article asked. One of the examples used was Dorothea Lange’s classic Depression-era photo of a “Migrant Mother” huddling with her children in a roadside camp outside Nipomo, California. The migrant mother definitely needed a make-over. She had worry lines etched into her face from the stress of poverty, and she gazed into the distance as if wondering whether her family would survive. A real downer. So, under the masterful touch of Popular Photography editors, the Migrant Mother was transformed from an iconic symbol of the struggle for survival into a smooth-faced suburban soccer mom. Her wrinkles were erased, her gaze softened, and those depressing, poverty-stricken kids removed. Readers were appalled. The editors later noted that the article “generated more responses than anything we’ve done in years… Most of our readers got the joke. But many didn’t. We received hundreds—yes, HUNDREDS—of rants, hate letters, and excommunication threats.”
Exploding Maple Trees
NPR’s All Things Considered ran a segment on a drop in maple syrup consumption, triggered by the low-carb craze, which supposedly was causing a serious problem for New England’s maple-tree industry: exploding maple trees. The announcer reported: “An untapped tree is a time bomb ready to go off… The trees explode like gushers, causing injuries and sometimes death. If untended, quiet stands of Nature’s sweeteners can turn into spindly demons of destruction. The Vermont Health Board reports 87 fatalities, 140 maimings, and a dozen decapitations, caused by sap-build-up explosions this year.”
Orchestra Steroid Scandal
NPR also ran a story about the growing use of performance-enhancing drugs (steroids) in the world of music. It stated that: “Something is happening in the world of music. Musicians are playing faster, louder, and stronger than they ever have before… Rumors have been circulating for some time that just like in the world of sports performance enhancing drugs may be the cause.”
Steve Jobs Joins Ikea
The Register reported that Steve Jobs “will maintain his twin CEO roles at Apple Computer Inc. and Pixar Inc. but will also take command with a wide-ranging brief at the retail giant.” Details of how Jobs intended to shake-up the retailer included these: “the flatpack self-assembly aesthetic will be replaced by high margin, ready-assembled furniture. Packaging for a wardrobe codenamed “Waenka” wardrobe, obtained by The Register, shows that Apple’s attention to detail seen in its lavish product packaging has not been lost. And don’t expect the famous IKEA canteen to escape the Jobs makeover. Out go the celebrated Swedish meatballs - Jobs is a fruitarian - to be replaced by a thin miso soup garnished by a solitary piece of carrot or tofu.”
Bush Twins Enlist
The Register also announced that, in a surprise move, the Bush twins had announced their decision to enroll in the military and serve in Iraq. Jenna Bush was quoted as saying, “We all understood that my sister and I had been called to set this example of hope and optimism for all of America and the world beyond. And we knew as well that it would be a disgrace and a scandal for us not to accept freely the consequences of our father’s decision to go to war on behalf of freedom and liberty. How could my sister and I, in good conscience, allow other Americans to shoulder this burden if we were not just as willing?... How could our parents allow it? What a terrible message to send! Well, fortunately, that’s not the way we Bushes are made. We have a long history of public service and personal sacrifice.”
Scientists Concede Creationists Might Be Right
Scientific American published an editorial in which it stated that it would henceforward give equal space to the views of Creationists: “This magazine’s coverage of so-called evolution has been hideously one-sided. For decades, we published articles in every issue that endorsed the ideas of Charles Darwin and his cronies… Where were the answering articles presenting the powerful case for scientific creationism? Why were we so unwilling to suggest that dinosaurs lived 6,000 years ago or that a cataclysmic flood carved the Grand Canyon? Blame the scientists. They dazzled us with their fancy fossils, their radiocarbon dating and their tens of thousands of peer-reviewed journal articles… Good journalism values balance above all else. We owe it to our readers to present everybody’s ideas equally and not to ignore or discredit theories simply because they lack scientifically credible arguments or facts.”
Gypsies at Windsor Castle
The Sun reported that gypsies had set up camp on the Queen’s lawn at Windsor Castle, claiming this as their right under a 650-year-old law. The gypsies claimed to be descended from the original builders of the castle who were given permission to pitch tents there by King Edward lll. The Queen was upset, but gypsy leader Ralph Fitteris was quoted as saying: “We could do her a good deal on tarmac.”
Sheep to Mow Wembley
The Mirror announced that sheep were going to be used to mow the lawn at Wembley Stadium: “Their grazing will toughen the turf’s roots when it is not being regularly used… Players have had less allergic reactions because the natural fertiliser of droppings has reduced the need for chemicals… Wembley National Stadium Ltd said: ‘It’s based on methods going back centuries. We are not being taken for fools.’”
Prince Charles Goes Lingerie Shopping
The Daily Mail published pictures of Prince Charles visiting a lingerie shop to pick out things for Camilla: “He is caught pondering over a matching camisole and apparently seeking advice from his young son Prince Harry on the delicate question of how one should invite one’s wife to turn one on.”
Apollo Bacteria Cause Lunar Erosion
Nature.com reported that images of the Moon taken by the Floating Optical Orbital Lens (F.O.O.L.) revealed the moon to be disintegrating. The cause was hypothesized to be bacteria left behind by the Apollo lunar mission:
“Pictures captured by an orbiting spacecraft have revealed that the Moon is being heavily eroded. Images of the lunar surface reveal deep cracks and holes that are slowly but surely releasing gas and dust into space. ‘This is serious,’ says Brad Kawalkowizc, an astrogeologist from the Sprodj Atomic Research Centre in Belgium, who has analysed the pictures. ‘There really is less Moon up there than there used to be.’ If the process continues, he adds, the Moon could eventually crumble away to nothing.”
Internet Pranks
Britannica Buys Wikipedia
Wikipedia announced that it was being taken over by Encyclopedia Britannica: “On 1 April 2005, Encyclopædia Britannica announced its immediate takeover of the Wikimedia Foundation (to be known henceforth as Wikimædia) and all of its projects, including Wikipedia (now Wikipædia), Wikisource, Wikiquote, Wikibooks, and Wikinews… Despite the board’s confidence, some Britannica investors privately indicated financial concerns about the deal, noting that ‘the Wikipedia wasn’t really a free encyclopedia after all.’ Economy measures expected to be implemented as part of the agreement include an immediate restriction on previous contributors to Britannica. It’s expected that to create or edit a page will now cost users £99.97/page in Ænglish. Affordable fee localization will be provided for Wikipædias of economically troubled states.”
Water Found on Mars
Astronomy Picture of the Day posted an image of water found on Mars. (See picture.)
Morality in the Design of Internet Protocols
Network Working Group posted a document arguing for morality to be considered in the design of internet protocols. The abstract read: “It has often been the case that morality has not been given proper consideration in the design and specification of protocols produced within the Routing Area. This has led to a decline in the moral values within the Internet and attempts to retrofit a suitable moral code to implemented and deployed protocols has been shown to be sub-optimal. This document specifies a requirement for all new Routing Area Internet-Drafts to include a ‘Morality Considerations’ section, and gives guidance on what that section should contain.”
Wave for the Google Satellite
An announcement was posted on Slashdot urging individuals to stand outside and wave at 10 am so that their picture could be taken by the new Google satellite passing overhead: “Google’s recent purchase of Keyhole and its jaw-dropping 3D earth-browsing software has apparently netted them ownership of an imaging satellite as well, now named ‘gSat.’ This Friday, April 1st, gSat will be capturing a new dataset (neighborhood of 1meter/pixel), passing over each time zone between 10 and 11AM. If you stand outside and wave you will supposedly show up as a blurry fleck.”
UN Votes To Shut Down The Internet
Habitable Zone posted an article announcing that the UN had voted to shut down the internet: “In special session, the United Nations General Assembly voted 165 to 6 with one abstention to shut down the Internet. The reason given was that the rapid and uncontrolled flow of information was destabilizing the governments of many of the member states. Furthermore, the Internet has increasingly become a vehicle for fraud and scams. Finally, the Internet produced the infamous “DOT COM” debacle which had disastrous repercussions for the World economy… The six countries that voted against the shutdown were Nigeria and five Caribbean banking havens. The Nigerian representative stormed out after the vote saying that the shutdown would destroy his country’s largest source of income.”
Corporate Pranks
Google Gulp
Google branched out into a new product area with the announcement of Google Gulp, a high-tech new “smart drink”: “Think a DNA scanner embedded in the lip of your bottle reading all 3 gigabytes of your base pair genetic data in a fraction of a second, fine-tuning your individual hormonal cocktail in real time using our patented Auto-Drink™ technology, and slamming a truckload of electrolytic neurotransmitter smart-drug stimulants past the blood-brain barrier to achieve maximum optimization of your soon-to-be-grateful cerebral cortex. Plus, it’s low in carbs! And with flavors ranging from Beta Carroty to Glutamate Grape, you’ll never run out of ways to quench your thirst for knowledge.”
PunchOut 1.0
Bare Bones Software announced new software that would record critical user data onto a “durable backup medium” (punch cards): “Once installed on a customer’s system, PunchOut employs the new “Spotlight” data engine in Mac OS X 10.4 to analyze stored data for backup. The new Advanced Prioritized Retrieval Integration Layer engine uses Spotlight in conjunction with a naive Bayesian reverse classifier to analyze stored data in real time. After analysis, data to be backed up is then submitted to the Functional Output Optimization Logic subsystem, which employs a user-configurable Automator workflow for submitting stored data to an IBM model 129 Card Data Recorder (included with purchase of the PunchOut software). The use of Automator grants additional flexibility and redundancy: if desired, the customer can configure up to eight card-punch machines to operate in parallel, which allows the use of PunchOut as a centralized backup server for enterprise workgroups.”
Undergoos
Searchguild, a search-engine optimization company, debuted Undergoos, a Google parody allowing internet users to search for underwear: “Underwear by Google - Supporting 8,058,044,651 bosoms.”
Left-Handed Golf Ball
Sports manufacturer Dunlop announced plans to debut a revolutionary new golf ball, designed specifically for left-handed players.
MINI Always Open Contract
MINI Australia warned drivers of the MINI Cabrio that a detail of their contract specified that “drivers of the MINI Cabrio will drive with the roof open at all times, even during inclement weather.” Failure to honor this contract would meet with severe punishment: “Any MINI Cabrio driver detected driving with the roof closed, in flagrant contravention of the MINI Always Open Contract, can be ejected from their vehicle. MINI will re-allocate the vehicle to a purchaser who is willing to comply with the Contract. The MINI Cabrio driver ejected from their car will be offered a MINI hardtop of comparable specification. To enforce the Always Open Contract, MINI will deploy teams of specially trained operatives, to be known as the MINI Roof Down Squad (M.R.D.S.). The M.R.D.S. will patrol the central business districts of major Australian cities, and will spring into action the second the patrol detects violations of the MINI Always Open Contract.”
MINI Pullman Edition
MINI USA announced the release of a special new model adapted to ride on domestic gauge rail lines throughout North America: “In conjunction with the North American railway system, an exclusive right-of-way has been authorized for the specially equipped MINI to commute via rail during peak hours in major urban centers… The MINI Pullman can access the railway at any major crossing gate provided care is taken not to enter into the opposing direction of prevailing rail traffic… The MINI Pullman comes fitted with a special wheel package that easily locks onto standard gauge rail thus allowing MINIs to corner on the roads and the rails with equal aplomb. An upgraded dual air-horn warning system comes standard on the model to alert inattentive pedestrians and vehicles as the MINI Pullman enters into crossing gate areas.”
Scratch ‘n’ Sniff Credit Cards
Virgin Australia announced the introduction of barbecue-scented scratch ‘n sniff credit cards. It hoped that the scratch ‘n sniff card would be a hit with homesick Aussies travelling overseas.
Uninvent The Wheel
In ads that appeared in several papers, BMW unveiled a new car designed without a steering wheel. It could be driven from either side, to make it easier for the British when they have to change the side of the road they drive on. Readers were directed to the website uninventthewheel.co.uk, where they could read an interview with Dr. Bitt Fishi, the developer of the system. They were also invited to dial a phone number and speak to Herr Huhr-Huhr. Reportedly, over 300,000 people called.
Opera Soundwave
Opera debuted new P2P speech technology that “uses analogue signals carried through open air, enabling users to communicate in real-time without the use of computers or mobile phones”: “The new SoundWave technology was accidently discovered during an R&D;study to speech-enable Opera’s e-mail client. One of Opera’s desktop developers needed to find an alternative way to relay a message to his colleague at a time when the e-mail server was down, and was startled to notice that his verbal outcry was intercepted and understood immediately.”
USB Fondue Set
ThinkGeek announced the availability of some offbeat technology products, such as the desktop USB Fondue set (“a USB powered desktop culinary experience that will transform your lunches to a new realm”) and the SkyTag Green Laser Aircraft Tracker (“the world’s first GPS green laser pointer mounted in a motorized base that allows you to track and tag aircraft at your own convenience!”)
Others
Giant Penguin
Tokyo’s Ueno Zoo announced in a press release that it had discovered a remarkable new species of penguin: A giant penguin called the Tonosama (Lord) Penguin, 165cm-tall and weighing 80kg. Its favorite food was said to be “white fish meat with soy sauce.” The giant penguin was revealed to the public on April 1. It was reported that: “As the cameras rolled, the real penguins rose their beaks and gazed up at the purported Lord - but then walked away disinterested when he took off his penguin face to reveal himself to be zoo director Teruyuki Komiya.”
