Table of Contents

• Drunk Driving on the Internet
• Vodka Bars
• Spray-on Tights and Spray-on Hair
• Russian Political Jokes
• Flying Rabbit
• Superworms
• Margaret Thatcher Discovered to be Cockney
• Registered Gnomes, etc.
• Road Warmers
• Nancy Kerrigan Visits Shelter
• Holy Grail Discovered
• Corporate Tattoos
• Bhutan Dry Docks
• Operation Elijah
• Israeli Tax Refund
• Lion On The Loose
• Lamma Island Declares Independence
• Killer Bees
• The Solar Turtle
• Lottery Mistake
• Paris Fashion Show and Whale Blubber Diet
• 911 Chatline
• Internet in a Lunchbox

Drunk Driving on the Internet

An article in PC Computing magazine written by John Dvorak described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill was supposedly numbered 040194 (i.e. 04/01/94), and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof (April Fools backwards). The article said that the FBI was going to use the bill to tap the phone line of anyone who “uses or abuses alcohol” while accessing the internet. Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because “Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?” The article offered this explanation for the origin of the bill: “The moniker ‘Information Highway’ itself seems to be responsible for SB 040194, which is designed to prohibit anyone from using a public computer network (Information Highway) while the computer user is intoxicated. I know how silly this sounds, but Congress apparently thinks being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is. The bill is expected to pass this month.” The article generated so many outraged phone calls to Congress that Senator Edward Kennedy’s office had to release an official denial of the rumor that he was a sponsor of the bill.

Vodka Bars

The Russian news agency Itar-Tass reported that an alcoholic beverage company had invented a new kind of candy sure to be a favorite with the Russian people: chewy Vodka Bars. These bars, designed to compete with Mars and Snickers bars, would come in three flavors—lemon, coconut, and salted cucumber. The same company was also said to be perfecting another new product: instant vodka in tea bags.

Spray-on Tights and Spray-on Hair

The Russian media offered a variety of other hoaxes in honor of April Fool’s Day. “Vesti,” a popular evening television news program, announced that Russia’s collective farms were “97% ready” for spring planting. As it announced this it showed in the background a picture of tractors rusting in a snow-covered field. The newspaper Moskovsky Komsomolets reported that Mikhail Gorbachev had volunteered to test a revolutionary new anti-baldness spray. As a result he had sprouted a new head of hair, covering his famous birthmark. Accompanying the article was a picture of Gorbachev on a trip to South Korea sporting his new, curly-locked look. The Moscow Tribune went out onto the streets of Moscow to ask people what they thought about the ethnic cleansing in Brutistan. They received a variety of concerned replies. The joke was that Brutistan does not exist. Another news agency reported that workers at a meatpacking plant were being paid in sausages, because the plant had run out of cash. Workers’ pensions were being paid with bones. Elsewhere it was announced that the pro-Communist Agrarian party had been breeding insects that were trained to attack the new private farms while leaving the collective farms alone. Another newspaper reported that the chemical arms industry was making progress in its conversion to civilian business. Its first product would be spray-on tights. Another paper said that foreign capitalists were bringing double-decker buses to Moscow. If the experiment went well, they would introduce triple-decker buses next.

Russian Political Jokes

Many more Russian hoaxes were more overtly political. The radio station Echo Moscow revealed that the ultranationalist, fascist politician Vladimir Zhirinovsky had switched allegiances and become a reformer. The newspaper Rossiskaya Gazeta revealed that Zhirinovsky had actually been kidnapped by Freemasons who had cut his tongue off. The paper Komsomolskaya Pravda interviewed Gosha, the parrot of former Vice President Alexander V. Rutskoi. Rutskoi had been arrested for his involvement in the previous year’s armed rebellion but had since been released from prison. The parrot reportedly squawked, “Let them make soup out of me, but I won’t let my master run for president. It is better to sit in a cage than in the Kremlin.” Finally, Komsomolskaya Pravda also reported that the famous red communist star that adorns the roof of the Kremlin was being removed, to be replaced by the imperial double-headed eagle that had been there until Stalin ordered its removal in 1935. Because the paper published this story a day early, many readers missed the joke and flooded the Kremlin with calls.

Flying Rabbit

The Today Show in Britain offered a feature on the only flying rabbit in captivity. The rabbit, said to be in a Guatemalan zoo, was shown hurtling through the air. It flew by means of pigeon-sized wings that were attached to its back. The commentary explained that the rabbit was “a natural performer and totally at home working with parrots.” Viewers complained that the rabbit looked distinctly uncomfortable.

Superworms

The Daily Star, a British tabloid, announced that British dirt had been invaded by a breed of superworms. It was feared that these worms would undermine the Wimbledon tennis tournament. The Daily Star also reported that a new European Community law would ban curry, despite its popularity with the British people.

Margaret Thatcher Discovered to be Cockney

London’s Daily Telegraph revealed that residents of the London suburb of Dulwich could be considered cockney on days when the wind was blowing in the right direction. The definition of a cockney is to be born where the Bow Bells can be heard. The Daily Telegraph claimed that according to a Met Office computer programme the Bow Bells could be heard in Dulwich if the wind was blowing strongly in that direction. Margaret Thatcher was born in Dulwich.

Registered Gnomes, etc.

The British media came up with a variety of other April Fool’s Day hoaxes. For instance, The Independent reported on its front page that Rupert Murdoch’s Sky TV was in negotiations with Buckingham Palace to gain exclusive rights to the Queen’s annual Christmas Day message. Radio Scotland announced that a new EC law would require the registration of all garden gnomes, for 10 pounds each. The Herald announced the introduction of bank notes that could be exchanged by fax. The Daily Mirror profiled the world’s biggest Mars bar. Finally, the Scotsman announced the creation of a new airline, Flying Whale Air, that would offer a commuter shuttle between Edinburgh and Luton.

Road Warmers

BMW announced a startling new addition to its luxury cars— road warmers. Pivoting convex lasers mounted in front of each wheel would melt ice and snow on the road as the car was being driven. Turbo fans would then remove excess moisture from the road. According to BMW’s press release, this invention would “virtually eliminate the need to clear your driveway during winter.” The advertisement assured readers that road warmers would eventually become standard on all new BMWs, but until then dealers would install them on older models free of charge.

Nancy Kerrigan Visits Shelter

A radio station in St. Cloud, Minnesota told its listeners that Nancy Kerrigan would be visiting a local shelter that day in order to help raise money for charity (Nancy Kerrigan is a well-known ice skater). Over 200 people showed up at the shelter to meet her, and at the designated time Nancy Kerrigan walked through the door. However, no one recognized her because she wasn’t Nancy Kerrigan the famous ice skater. She was, instead, a local woman of the same name. The people who had been waiting at the shelter did not find the prank amusing. The most famous same-name stunt of this kind was the 1961 “Subways Are For Sleeping” hoax.

Holy Grail Discovered

Discover Magazine revealed that an archaeologist digging in Jerusalem had uncovered the legendary Holy Grail. The archaeologist was named Leon Decoeur. He was said to have found the grail on Christmas eve when, for no particular reason, he had decided to work late at the dig. The discovery was said to have sparked intense excitement and controversy in the scientific community, although some doubted Decoeur’s findings, remembering that 15 years earlier he had claimed to have found the Sermon on the Mount. Most exciting of all, blood had been found at the bottom of the cup. Decoeur was quoted as hypothesizing that the DNA of Jesus might reveal, once and for all, “that we’re closer to chimpanzees than to the deity.”

Corporate Tattoos

All Things Considered, a radio show on National Public Radio, reported that companies such as Pepsi were sponsoring teenagers to tattoo their ears with corporate logos. In return for branding themselves with the corporate symbol, the teenagers would receive a lifetime 10% discount on that company’s products. Teenagers were said to be responding enthusiastically to this deal.

Bhutan Dry Docks

A stockbroker in Hong Kong advised his clients to buy shares in Bhutan Dry Docks and received several large orders for the shares. Unfortunately for those who placed the orders, Bhutan, being landlocked, does not have any dry docks. Nor does it have a stock exchange.

Operation Elijah

The Israeli Army Radio in Jerusalem interrupted a broadcast to announce the completion of a top-secret plan known as “Operation Elijah.” This plan involved the secret air-lifting of a lost tribe of black Jews from Gabon to Israel. This lost tribe reportedly constituted the entire Jewish population of Gabon. Uri Gordin, head of the Immigration and Absorption Agency, then came on the air to discuss the logistics of the airlift. He said that the tribe was to be placed “somewhere in the south,” and he requested French-speakers to help the tribe adjust to their new home. The immigration desk at Ben Gurion airport soon received numerous calls from people offering their aid. Gabon actually has only a very small Jewish community, comprised almost entirely of expatriate Israeli business people.

Israeli Tax Refund

The morning news magazine on Israel Radio announced that, due to a computer error, the Income Tax Authority had collected too much tax from most of the population. As a result, the government would be refunding the overpaid taxes over the next few weeks. Dan Tichon, chairman of the Knesset state control committee, was then interviewed. He angrily condemned the mistake and declared that he was launching his own investigation into the matter. The prank apparently fooled Finance Minister Avraham Shohat. After hearing the news, he immediately called senior tax officials back from their vacations to investigate how a computer error of this kind could have occurred. The prank was similar to a 1959 April Fool’s Day hoax in which a Hawaiian deejay declared that the U.S. Government was refunding taxes to Hawaiian residents.

Lion On The Loose

Yaounde FM 94, a Cameroon radio station, warned its listeners that a lion was on a rampage in the densely populated Cite Verte suburbs. The report caused widespread panic, and police were sent to look for the animal. Eventually, when no lion materialized, people realized that the report had been a hoax.

Lamma Island Declares Independence

A special edition of the Lamma Gazette was distributed to residents of Hong Kong’s Lamma Island. On its front page was an announcement that the Island had been declared an independent republic. Prime Minister Chris Patten was to head its government. Mr. Patten’s policy plans for the island reportedly included the following ideas: the lifting of duties on tobacco and alcohol, the encouragement of hemp farming, and the use of llamas to graze the island’s grass.

Killer Bees

Residents of Glendale and Peoria, Arizona woke to find yellow fliers posted around their neighborhoods warning them of “Operation Killer Bees.” Apparently, there was to be widespread aerial spraying later that day to eradicate a killer bee population that had made its way into the area. Residents were warned to stay indoors from 9 am until 2:30 pm. The phone numbers of local television and radio stations were provided. On the bottom of the flier the name of an official government agency was listed: Arizona Pest Removal Information Line (For Outside Operations Listings). The first letters of this agency spelled out “April Fool.” Few people got the joke. Radio and television stations received numerous calls, as did the Arizona Agriculture Department. Many worried residents stayed inside all day, watching anxiously for the pest-control planes.

The Solar Turtle

The London Times and Daily Mail both reported about a new lawnmower called the Solar Turtle. This was said to be the first computer-operated, solar-powered mower in the world that could cut a lawn without human assistance. The ingenious new mower was said to be on display at the Spring Gardening Fair in Lonon. Radio Scotland immediately declared the Solar Turtle to be a hoax. Unfortunately for them, however, it turned out to be quite real.

Lottery Mistake

DC-103 FM, a radio station in Orangeville, Canada, told its listeners that lottery officials had made a mistake by announcing only one winner for that week’s $19 million jackpot. There were, the station said, two other winning numbers that had been bought in British Columbia and Ontario. Phone lines to the station immediately lit up from listeners desperate to find out if they had the winning numbers.

Paris Fashion Show and Whale Blubber Diet

The Boston Herald offered a few spoof articles in honor of April Fool’s Day. In one article they described the Paris fashion show of designer Neo Naveton who was dazzling critics with his retro fashions that featured “body-hugging foundation garments, long-line bras, knee-length girdles, elasticized waist-cinchers and a slyly humorous assortment of underarm shields.” The designer reportedly had dismissed charges that his entire collection had been copied from the 1954 Sears Roebuck catalog. Fashion critic Chastity Fastfood praised Noveton with these words, “his quoting of history, his echoes of motherhood, his superb conviction that the greatest revelation lies in the greatest concealment - he’s marked a whole new path for us to follow. In the 21st century, we will all dress this way.” The Herald also offered another article about the discovery of an island in the north Pacific whose inhabitants had an average age of 134 and an average cardiovascular age of 12. Their stunning health was attributed to their diet of whale blubber.

911 Chatline

A press release was issued over the internet, purportedly from Century Communications, describing a new “911 Chatline.” Subscribers to this chatline would be allowed to listen to 911 emergency calls from any region of the country that they chose. Profits from the chatline would go towards installing enhanced 911 services. Century spokeswoman Fawn Lebowitz was quoted as saying, “In recent years we’ve seen a dramatic increase in the popularity of reality-based television shows. The 911 Chatline allows callers to experience real-life drama while it is going on, all from the comfort of their own home.” Reportedly over fifty 911 centers had already been wired for the service, and the entire nation was expected to be wired by April 1, 1995.

Internet in a Lunchbox

A press release was issued over the internet claiming that McDonalds and EUnet, the largest European internet service provider, had teamed up to offer “Internet in a Lunchbox.” This service, also dubbed McEUnet, would provide in-restaurant internet access to European customers of McDonalds. Kechap Mustard, senior vice president of marketing for McDonalds, was quoted as saying, “Every highway needs restaurants and together with EUnet we will meet the great demands of the new information society.”

Categories

• April Fools Day
• Era
  • 1990-1999