Table of Contents

• The One-Way Highway
• Stonehenge To Move
• The Rich People’s Liberation Front
• Chickpanzees
• The Red-Foliaged Cabbage Patch Doll
• Queen Faces Challenger
• First Annual Jell-O Conference
• Slow-growing Grass
• Snohomish Buys Nuclear Power Plant
• Long-Armed Violin Player
• Sharkstation 1
• Dog and Cat Elite Cafe
• Radio Format Change
• Fibropower

The One-Way Highway

The London Times announced that the Department of Transport had finalized a plan to ease congestion on the M25, the circular highway surrounding London. The capacity of the road would be doubled by making the traffic on both carriageways travel in the same direction. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays the traffic would travel clockwise; while on Tuesdays and Thursdays it would travel anti-clockwise. The plan would not operate on weekends. It was said that the scheme was almost certain to meet with the cabinet’s approval, despite voices of protest coming from some quarters. One of the protestors included a spokesman for Labour Transport who reportedly warned that “Many drivers already have trouble telling their left from their right.” Also, a resident of Swanley, Kent was quoted as saying, “Villagers use the motorway to make shopping trips to Orpington. On some days this will be a journey of two miles, and on others a journey of 117 miles. The scheme is lunatic.”

Stonehenge To Move

The Daily Mail reported that on account of the “gradual slowing of the earth’s rotation” the heel stone at Stonehenge had become out of line with the sun on Midsummer’s Day. As a consequence there were plans afoot to dismantle the monument and re-assemble it “on another site of similar prominence.” Where to re-assemble it had reportedly become the source of some controversy. The Ancient Society of Cosmologists wanted to re-assemble it on Mt. Snowdon. However, a Tokyo consortium had offered 484 billion yen to move the monument to Mount Fuji.

The Rich People’s Liberation Front

A group calling itself the Rich People’s Liberation Front held a rally in front of the State House in Boston. The group hailed the “Brahminwealth of Massachusetts,” and chanted slogans such as, “Who needs day care—hire an au pair,” and “the rich. . . united. . . have never been defeated.” The group was supposedly rallying in support of Governor Weld’s decision to veto a cut in Cabinet salaries as well as his decision to repeal a tax on services and cut local aid and social programs. One activist, who identified himself as Thurston Morton Beechcraft Collingsworth IV said he supported Weld because Weld was “doing everything he can to make sure it’s us, the really rich, who get the tax breaks.”

Chickpanzees

The Daily Mirror reported that Professor Vogel Brayne, a “top genetics expert,” had succeeded in crossing the genes of a monkey with those of a chicken. He had thus created a “chickpanzee,” which was shown hatching from an egg.

The Red-Foliaged Cabbage Patch Doll

The Daily Star reported that a European farmer named Ivor Binhad was making 1,491 pounds an hour in grants from the Common Market under its crop diversification scheme. The crop he was growing under this scheme went by the scientific name of brassica caulis pannus haedus. Its non-scientific name was the common red-foliaged cabbage patch doll.

Queen Faces Challenger

The Independent reported that a 65-year-old Welsh farmer had been identified as the illegitimate child of a forgotten son of the Queen’s grandfather, King George V, thus making him the rightful heir to the throne. The report was headlined, “Queen faces challenge on her right to be monarch.” The Welsh farmer was reportedly obtaining a court order to force the Queen to submit her DNA to genetic fingerprinting to prove whether or not he was her cousin.

First Annual Jell-O Conference

The Smithsonian hosted the first annual conference on the history of Jell-O. Historians and social scientists gathered at the Institution to discuss the cultural history of the well-known gelatinous product. Presentations included “Jell-O and Jack Benny,” “Jell-O as Technological System,” and “White Religious Cults: Lime Jell-O and Little Marshmallows.” One commentator also raised the question, “Is Jell-O animal, vegetable or mineral?” He concluded, “It is made out of animal skins and bones and processed so there is nothing of animal left in it. The U.S. Government has declared it is not an animal product. What better symbol of American culture?”

Slow-growing Grass

The Times also reported that a gardener had succeeded in developing a variety of grass that grew only one inch a year, no matter how wet or dry the year was. The inventor of the seed was said to be Clement Marchdone, a 73-year-old retired Essex seedsman living in Cutter’s Green, near Chelmsford.

Snohomish Buys Nuclear Power Plant

Clearing Up, an energy industry newsletter serving the Seattle area, reported the purchase by the small Snohomish County Public Utility District of a nuclear power plant mothballed by the Washington Public Power Supply System (WPPSS). The newsletter quoted the managing director of the WPPSS as saying, “I’m not even sure we own WNP-3 (the mothballed plant), but Snohomish had a bunch of money burning a hole in its pocket, and we haven’t had any loose cash in Richland for more years than I can remember.”

Long-Armed Violin Player

Radio Scotland interviewed a young man whose one arm was reportedly 5 1/2 inches longer than his other arm. Listeners were informed that the ‘disability’ came in useful for activities such as changing light bulbs, playing the violin (listeners were treated to a sample of his playing), and putting his arm around girls in the cinema.

Sharkstation 1

Employees from Sun Microsystems introduced a new computer line called the Sharkstation 1 computer. It made its debut at the bottom of a tank in San Francisco’s Steinhart Aquarium surrounded by seven-gill sharks. The target of the prank was actually Wayne Rosing, Vice President of Sun. He was brought to the aquarium by his wife, who was in on the prank. Once there, he was presented with the computer and invited to try it out. He donned scuba gear, submerged into the tank, and sat at the workstation. While sitting at his desk he wrote a note that read, “Wait until next year.” After he got out of the tank he remarked that the sharks in the tank were “pretty tame compared to the sharks I have to work with.”

Dog and Cat Elite Cafe

Jon Carroll, a reporter for the San Francisco Chronicle, exposed a local Bay Area restaurant that was serving its patrons cat and dog meat. He declined to reveal where the restaurant was located, and he identified the owner of the restaurant only as Ed. Supposedly the restaurant served a select clientele of dog and cat afficionados and had no plans to expand. Carroll quoted Ed as saying, “Look, I know a lot of people find this disgusting. That’s why it has to be a secret. But tell me, if you can: What’s the moral difference between a hamburger and a collieburger?”

Radio Format Change

KISW, a Seattle Rock radio station, changed its format to what it called ‘classical rock’ for a day. It played a selection of classical music and rock. It advertised itself as “Seattle’s best mix of the 1600s, 1700s, 1800s and today.” It also promised a no-repeat Monday, saying that “you won’t hear the same sonata twice.” However, KISW’s format change was hardly original. Changing formats is one of the more popular pranks for radio stations to play on their listeners on April Fool’s Day.

Fibropower

Mitsubishi Bank in London sent out information packages offering other banks the chance to buy into a 22 million pound loan to fund Fibropower, a 14-megawatt generating plant fueled by chicken manure. However, many banks balked at the offer, figuring that it was an April Fool’s day joke. The joke here, though, was that the plant turned out to be real. Even after they learned the truth, many bankers were skeptical. One was quoted as saying, “If it doesn’t go well, something will hit the fan.”

Categories

• April Fools Day
• Era
  • 1990-1999